There is a question in my head, though. One that tends to knock rather impatiently against the door of my brain late at night. One that I don't feel quite right about skipping across the stones in my lake until I have answered:
What are my two shores?
What am I running to? What am I running from?
I used to think that I was running from evil towards good. I used to think very black and white like that. It was easier that way. More hopeful. I could think that everything was improving and some day everything would be alright. I used to think that way, but I don't anymore. There's good and evil in everything I do. Something of God, and something of myself. I just hope that this next phase of my life will be more about Him and less about me. I feel like it could go either way at that point.
I remember my mom telling me when I was little that phrase that I'm sure every child hears from their parents at one point or another. "You'll understand when you get older."
Why is it that the older I get, the less I seem to understand? Something just keeps stirring the water, while I hold to my position, afraid to step either forward or back.
I need to move at some point.
Which way?
4 comments:
i used to break my life up into "real stuff i'm doing" and the "stuff i'm doing til I get there." and somehow the things i'm doing became closely tied to Who. I. Am. transition was like some ambiguous sort of being; a non-label state where i'm not really anything until i get there. none of the names that are suppossed to help me recognize Who. I. Am. are available. wife. mother. teacher. artist. activist. i'm none of these.
yet.
but now that i feel i have some sense of Who I. Am. i realize that transition isn't so much a running to/from kinda thing, but woven into the slow, very slow, process of discovering the old. the ancient. it existed before time began, even. woven into the journey of discovering who the Maker created me to be. while living and loving in the present. while knowing that i'm loved in this very moment. that, itself, is an act of worship that gives me enough to recognize Who. I. Am. right now.
skipping stones is linear and fluid all at once. and so with transition; perhaps it's not the stone itself, but the rings of water around each skip that blends into the next. if you will.
Damn, Jina.
Who have you been hanging out with? Philosophers? Poets? Psychiatrists?
That just spoke to me in a way I haven't been spoken to in a loooooong time.
Thank you.
cool. i've been thinking more about writing over the last few months. i may drop by to leech off of your thoughts. think fondly of me as a literary parasite.
I'm going to go with symbiosis on this one. I need to have people "leech" off me from time to time. It helps me think that maybe I'm not crazy and other people might feel the same things I feel :)
Thanks for the insights, friend.
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