Had a tough week at the office though (I've always wanted to say that). It seems like I was working and sweating all the way until time to leave. I remember when I used to twiddle my thumbs all day and surf the internet. It's a beautiful thing, to be committed to something that takes all (or at least most) of your energy. It makes you worry less, to know that you did the best you were able. Even the worst days (there have been a few) aren't so bad.
I've been listening to old school Rogue Wave a bit lately (pre Zune commercial madness). I've noticed that a lot of their music involves call and response. I like that collaboration. I used to be impressed by guitar solos, but now I like duets. I like call and response, for some reason. For those of you who can't see me as I'm writing this, you'll have to take note that I have a huge, cocky grin on my face. Perhaps at one point I will explain this reason to you, but for now, is is enough to know that I have a cocky grin and I like call and response.
I've never been a rhythmic person. I don't mean musically (though I'm sure it could be argued), but in a sense of life patterns. I've never really been able to depend on what I would be doing from one day to the next. My life didn't really follow a pattern. I used to think that made me cool, like that somehow doing the same thing over and over was boring, regardless of what that thing was. It's like if I could have a conversation with Robert Johnson, I might ask him why all he ever does is play the guitar. Perhaps he should play the piano, just so people don't think that's all he knows how to do...
I'm getting distracted.
I love getting distracted.
My life follows a pattern now because I found something that I really want to do over and over again. It's not cool doing random things, hoping one of them is going to pay off sooner or later. I've done that for far too long. Now it's time to stop trying to be everything in the world and be something I'm often afraid to be.
Myself.
And no one else.
I know that sounds cheesy, but I'm a bit in the mood for cheese, despite my occasional lactose intolerance. No more whine, but cheese is nice from time to time.
Last thought: it's November soon, and I just realized that I accomplished almost all of the goals I had for this year. I have two months two finish writing my novel and find a girlfriend. Pretty good year, all in all.
Maybe I should cut my losses...
... Maybe I should start learning some new phrases in Korean.
... for the book, of course...
4 comments:
That's wonderful you've accomplished so many goals this year, but don't make finding a girlfriend a goal. Make finding one a journey. You don't want to settle for a girl just to fill that goal before the end of the year--you want to find someone who fits with you, and that might take a little longer than what's in your plans. All in good time...all in God's time. Good luck!
Worry not, Titanica. I kid, of course.
It's a long story, an often I assume that I am so transparent that others can see right through me and know me in an instant, though in reality I suppose that most experience my life more in the manner of a pebble skipping across the surface of a lake; moving fast never gets you very deep.
I recently uprooted everything I've ever known in California to become a teacher in South Korea. In this place, so strange and lonely yet familiar, i find myself happier than I can remember being in a long time.
All the while, I see so many people bouncing off my surface. While I do long for one of them to slow enough to finally sink down into the deep and find me, I will not be compromising my understanding of intimate relationship for the kind that pass me over so quickly.
...unless she's really cute...
Good thing you kid--I tried it. It didn't work out that well. (Obviously. I'm still single. Ha! :P)
That's awesome you're finding happiness in South Korea. My mom's best friend's twins boys (I know, a mouthful) recently got back to the States from doing just that for a few years. They didn't enjoy it that much, but I think it's one of those things where it's whatever you make it. On the plus side, they came back with their college loans paid off.
I'm still trying to figure out what makes me happy, which is a bit frustrating as I used to think I'd have most everything figured out by this age. It's tough, sometimes, to shed other peoples influences to get to the core of yourself. I've done a lot of looking past people's judgments and expectations of me in order to find my bliss. I may not have found my one true purpose in life, if I have one, but I've found a lot of little things that make me content.
Good luck with your teaching, and that cute girl, if you find her ;)
Thanks.
It's been 3 months in Korea now, and I still enjoy it. I agree though, it is what you make of it. A lot of the other English teachers in my program (I'm in the public elementary school system) see South Korea as sort of a giant piggy bank for erasing student loans, whereas I (with my school debt already paid) just wanted to see some part of the world besides California (where I have lived the first 26 years of my life). I think that's working out pretty well :)
As far as the question of identity, I suppose there are a lot of different ways of looking at it. Here's mine (a recent finding): I don't think we have to "know who we are" before we start living. I tried it. It didn't work out that well ;) In some sense, our identities should be in a bit of a flux because it is a healthy thing to change over time. I think Lauren Hill out it best in her MTV unplugged album, when she said "anything that's not growing is dead." If you figured everything out, what would the rest of your life be about?
Youtube?
I'm grateful for every sleepless night and growing pain when I realize that however I did things will no longer work if I'm going to figure my life out.
And I hope I accomplish this goal no sooner than my life is done :)
Thanks for your thoughts.
-Lonely Bear
P.S. "I tried it, and it didn't work" is such a beautiful thing. Don't stop trying things. I'm writing a followup post on my most recent post (Bear talks to the Moon) that talks about this process for me. Put work into the things that you love, titanica. The most exquisite table arrangements have fingerprints all over them.
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