Fat

I have two umbrellas.

I have one because I bought it when it was raining, and I needed it. The other one I bought because I forgot where I put the first one, and it was raining again. I found the first one again right after I bought the second one.

Nothing ever really goes away. Especially once you decide you don't need it(them?) anymore.

What else is new because I don't remember the first time?

I ate chicken with 예슬 after work. She said that she wanted to eat chicken yesterday, but there was no one to eat it with. I ate chicken yesterday. Alone isn't my problem right now.

Is it bad luck or poor choices that make us dissatisfied? I could make a case for either. I'm not sure which I hope it could be. Were everything the result of my choices, I could change anything I wanted, couldn't I? On the other hand, if everything were left to fate, then I could relax for once. The loss of freedom comes with a certain amount of peace. It's called acceptance. Since everything is unknown, I find myself both alert and unchanged.

Maybe I knew the answer once and I just forgot. I know about forgetfullness. I have two umbrellas.

Spicy food gives me the hiccups. She only knows one remedy. I can think of at least 8. I'm kind of jealous of her.

I learned about these Korean birds that everyone hates. They were once a symbol of prosperity.

"In the old days, they were very, um...uncommon thing, but these days, they are everywhere, and they are fat."

"Are they still a symbol of prosperity?"

"Not anymore. Why?"

I guess we always assumed that success was a good thing. Here another season has changed, and it's spring. Once, I needed a jacket, and now it's an umbrella.

I also have two jackets.

I learned the Korean word for squirrel, but I forgot it. I have to draw diagrams sometimes just to prove that I know what she's talking about.

"Where did you learn to draw like that? Academy?"

"No, I just look at things for a long time."

I've been looking, but it still seems like I don't know which way I'm going. It's late and it's starting to rain again.

예슬 forgot her umbrella.

"That's okay," I tell her. "I have two."

Told You So

I'm an adult.

This is not new information, but I do need to remind myself from time to time. I used to think that adulthood was about doing whatever I wanted. Probably most children think that way. I remember the day that Mom told me I no longer had a bedtime. At 12, I though I had arrived. I remember that night.

I remember having to get up the next morning.

So then, apparently adulthood was about making responsble choices, and probably some other big words that I still don't fully understand. That's what Mom told me. That's why she let me stay up late, why she stopped nagging me about cleaning my room (mistake, btw) and why from 8th grade on, I was responsible to do my own laundry and ironing. I had to learn about another big word: Consequences.

Not that I'm complaining. I'm glad my parents wanted me to be responsible. It just seemed like they had a rather grim outlook on responsibility.

"I know you think being an adult is going to be sooooo much fun, but you don't know how good you have it. This is the best time of your life. I would give anything to be your age again."

I never quite bought that line. There was something else. Something about the fact that I could smell popcorn with butter coming from the living room about half an hour after bedtime. This was a time and place somehow forbidden to me. It was the same reason I couldn't sleep with Mom and Dad every time after I had a nightmare.

It was Dad's laugh too. The one he saved for the Tonight Show. He never laughed like that for the movies we watched with him. Jon and I would often sneak out down the long, dark hallway, careful not to step on any of the boards that creaked. Crouched on the stairwell, just out of sight, we couldn't see. We could only listen. I couldn't understand anything that Jay Leno was saying, I had come for the laugh. That distant call from a world that I could never know until the day that the title was magically bestowed on me.

Adult.

I wanted it so bad, and they were just being selfish. They told me that they needed time to be alone.

For what?

I want to play too.

"When you're older, you'll feel differently. It's just hormones."

It occured to me a while ago that I'm an adult, but something else occured to me that I didn't expect. It's something that 5-year old me stubbornly clung to, and swore the most sacred of oaths that he would hold to forever.

I was right.

Responsibility is just another word for freedom, and they tried to change my mind. My professors, family members, sunday school teachers, classmates, lab partners, bosses, supervisors, camp counselors, and even my subconscious, and the ways it was offended by all the things I would become, with or without my permission.

And those bastards didn't get me.

I had to grow up just to prove them wrong. I still feel the same way, and it is just as valid as it was when I was 5. I still like Batman comic books and cartoons. My room is still a mess, and I'm still a pretty damn good drawer.

I can say damn too. Nothing explodes. I checked.

So this is adulthood. It's what I've always been, plus those other cool things that I can see and use and know about.

Savings account
Sex
Parenthood
Paycheck
Facial hair
"R" for disturbing images
90 proof
Surgeon General's warning:
License

And perhaps I will make some really big mistakes with these things, but they are completely mine, and I am allowed to make them.

I was right all along.

I grew up just to prove you wrong.

Strength in Layers of Cardboard

Crawled out of bed today. Sleep is my favourite. There's a ukulele by my bed made completely out of corrugated cardboard. It makes me want to try harder. I feel important today, like it's possible to do something, from start to finish. I used to want to change the world. Is it possible that this is a small dream as well?

I wonder.

I still get most of my news from Facebook. I guess it's better than being out of the loop, but I should probably pick up a newspaper from time to time. These days, everyone is passing around either a video by the Invisible Children guys about a man named Joseph Kony, or they are posting rebuttal articles, calling the video "one-sided and not helpful." All I can think is "damn it, here's another thing I have to form an opinion about in order to be an adult."

They really make you work for it, don't they?

Everyone says that the world is going to Hell and there's nothing we can do about it. Seems like they've been saying that forever. Saving the world is a small dream anyway. It'll never last. My thoughts today are on a cardboard ukulele, and the strength of the human heart, all wrapped up in layers over time. There is nothing in the world more important.

I want to save one of those.

Weather Or Not

I don't know why, but I felt like waking up when my alarm went off this morning. There is something that I find sickeningly abnormal about a strong desire to face the world exactly at the time that such motivation is required.

I don't trust me when I'm happy. It's been too long.

I showered
I drank coffee
I listened to music.

I need all three to wake up in the morning, and today...

...I don't know what I need.

I taught the 6th graders in the morning. When I first came to this school, they were in the 4th grade.

I remember.

김예슬, my 6th grade co-teacher was a 5th grade homeroom teacher last year, and the year before, she was a student. I feel like I've been here forever, and I will be here for longer than that. What else would I do with my life? I have been doing this forever.

It's cloudy today, and 10 C. I know what that means now. I don't know what we would call this the way that my people speak about weather. Perhaps we would call it "nice." As in:

"How's the weather today?"
"Oh, it's nice."

I'm not used to this.

I've been keeping my days busy, instead of wasting them on Facebook. It seems like this world has been waiting for me to get my act in gear, and it's not going to get going again until I decide something.

Where do we go from here?

The weather is nice.

It's been a while since I've had this sort of day, but I remember the last time.

You can come back if you want. I think tomorrow's forecast is the same.