The Future, Conan?

Okay, so I normally post things after having thought about them a long time, and giving them much prayer, and working them out a lot. I see my blog as a way to explain God to people, or at least my understanding of God. There's that key word again: Understanding. Today, I don't have understanding. I just have words. Probably not even key words. Just words. I feel something that I don't understand. So, this time, rather than trying to figure it out and then telling everyone about it, I am going to try and just figure it out right now. I'm going to write through it. Sounds good? I don't know what I'm doing.

First of all, I am proud to announce that "He Woke Me Up Again" by Sufjan Stevens is now at a modest #10 on my top 10 songs listened to playlist. This song has been my constant prayer in this difficult transitionary period I'm going through, and I hope that it moves even further up the list. It's a beautiful song.

Allright, here's what's getting to me: I have nothing to write about, because I have done nothing all day. Actually, all week (I know it's only Teusday, but bear with me). I don't know if anyone else worries about waking up one day to find out that you've become completely uninteresting, but that really scares me. Does anyone else hear the "wasted potential" speech a lot? You know, some older person comes up to you and wants to know what you are going to do with your life, because "this is the time when you make those decisions that effect the outcome of the rest of your life, and if there's one thing I can't stand to see, it's wasted potential"... I am exhausted of those. And even though I've heard that speech a hundred thousand times, I still have no answer for that "what are you going to do with the rest of your life" speech. I'm still too busy mourning over my lost college years.

Where did they go? Seriously. I just got here and it's already time to leave? When I think of all the time I wasted on insecurities and obsessions, and all those worries about the future, I really start to wonder weather or not I wasted college. There was so much fun. So much good. Why did I waste so much time on my own selfish concerns? I certainly hope that this semester has a few more late night boba runs and random hangout times and impromptu dance parties left in it, because I'm really REALLY going to miss those. I hope people need to "study" at bobaloca some more before the semester is through. Oh, I am going to miss college a lot. There's no replacement for any one phase of your life. There's always two paths you can chose at any point in life, or at least your attitude about it. I'm afraid I chose the wrong one for most of the time. It was here, in college, that I learned to try a different path. That one called gratitude. Imagine the difference if I could have learned that a little sooner. Imagine how many people I could have helped out of that rut of bitterness. Yet, even as I am speaking about gratitude, I can feel bitterness sneaking up on me from behind, crawling all over my skin, and forcing my facial features to harden. I can't let it win this time. I want joy. After all is said and done, I found out that it was a choice. God promised me something last year. And he told me to keep my head up and wait for it. my patience is wearing thin. My bitterness is thickening. I'm not ready to grow up. What will I do if I'm alone out there? What if I'm too afraid to rely on anyone? What if the relationships I had in college just...fade away? My parents don't talk to anyone they knew in college. They have each other. What do I have? I need God's promise to me to be true, and I need to not be alone. I need my freinds beside me. I need to choose joy. I'm not bitter about the future. I'm scared to death about it.