Old vs. Home (the difference between giving up and letting go)

I made a playlist of depressing songs today. Just a list of every song I've ever heard that has made me feel like crying. 76 songs. Over 3.5 hours later, and all I can think is that I cry too much. Or no one else cries enough. One way or the other, I'm just a person with a lot of feelings, and they don't always fit inside me, so they have to come out. This is one of those feelings. It's been inside me for a long time, so...be warned.

When I was little, I cried a lot. Not, I don't cry so much. It's not because life got easier, but more because I got tired of crying about everything. So, I stopped. One day, I just said to myself enough, boys don't cry, and I stopped. There was this Element 101 song called "The Fragile" that I lived in high school, because it was just so true to how I felt about life.Thee were these lyrics that kept repeating on my head over and over again. "When you shut the door/ And lay yourself on the floor/ That's how you know/ That's when you know that you're old./" Don't slow down. Don't give up. Don't close the door. Don't lay on the floor. That will be the end of you. I carried that philosophy most of my life. Never show any weakness and never admit that you're tired. I put up a good fight for a long time. I didn't lay down on the floor, but I was tired. I started crying again this last year. I just couldn't hold up that front any longer. It's amazing how different it is when you don't have to fight alone. When your friends can wipe your tars, and hug you and pray for you. Putting up a brave front never seemed so stupid to me in my life. Maybe Element 101 was wrong. Maybe it's better to be old.

I was at the beach this last Friday with my friends. I was going to graduate from college the next day. My family was going to visit me at the beach. The two worlds that rarely come together. As I sat on the beach, worshiping God with my friends, and anticipating the long overdue arrival of my family, I laid myself on the floor of the beach, and stared up at the sky. The stars stood out like pins holding this giant quilt of space up like a canopy of protection over me. The ocean breeze, mixed with the laughter of familiar friends was the closest to the voice of God that I have ever heard.

"This is how I know.../"

My family came up and surprised me from behind, and I hugged each of them as family deserves to be hugged. I needed a moment to soak all this in. This was not giving up. This is what I had been waiting for, and missing all along.

I just listened to that Element 101 song again, and it's really funny how your attitude can really color your perspective. That lyric, the one that had been playing in my head forever was wrong. Those weren't the words at all.

"When you shut the door/ And lay yourself on the floor/ That's how you know/ That's when you know that you're home./"

The door is closed, and I am laying on the ground. I am home.