15.8.08
Mornings Have Disappeared
I woke up this morning at 11:00. I don't eat breakfast anymore. There was once a time when I would have had a million things to do by this time. Now I start at this point. I got an email today from the hotel I applied to. They said I'm not what they're looking for. They needed a dishwasher. I don't know a lot of things, but I think I know how to wash dishes. Why won't they let me wash dishes? I'd do a good job. I really would. I have no idea what to do from this point. I met a guy in Huntington Beach last night who is a CFO (management in film industry). I told him I have no idea where to go to find experience for an industry that is so connections based. He said I should look into porn. I'm not sure what my Mom would say about that. Or Jesus. Was it impossible? Maybe it was. So where do I go from here? I have no marketable skills, and not enough confidence to lie about what I know. I think that's the only way anyone gets anything. I don't know anything about the real world. I can't even type. I took some tests at a temp agency. I can type 22 words per minute. The world is getting faster, and I am slowing down. God, what do you want me to do? I've got nothing.
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1 comment:
It's easy to lose track of time when you're in a rut--it's tough to get out of. Even when you think you've got some of the stuff in your life straightened out it's easy to feel like you're still not going anywhere.
I'm pretty frustrated with where I am now--I feel like I haven't actually started the next stage of my life, which I guess I define as being officially "grown-up." It didn't help that my mother told me that my sister and I have always been late bloomers and we'll eventually get to the next step. I still feel... I don't know. Incomplete? Left behind? I feel like I know what to do, but I don't know how to get it done.
Just don't compromise your morals to fit into the world. I tried and only managed to make myself miserable. I'm much happier being the type of "good girl" where everyone laughs my naivete than to get into something I don't feel comfortable with.
I know it's tough. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it's going to get better. Remember you're not alone, and there are many people who support you.
You're in my prayers.
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