It's been a severely frustrating couple of months. I've decided that I should be a writer. Further than that, I've decided to be a good writer. Since I am not currently among the better writers in the world, and don't know any really rich people I could mooch off of, this means I will be a very poor writer. Not a writer. A very poor person.
The point is, I barely have enough to make it through the day, and when an unexpected expense comes up (like a $75.00 parking ticket) I really have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to make it. I keep telling myself that I'm making the right decisions, or that at least it won't always be like this. Someday, I'll be doing better.
But what if it is? Like this all the time, I mean.
Me and God, we have trust issues. I have trust issues with him, I mean (even though I'm usually the one who breaks trust). I know I should trust him, and I know he's come through for me before, but I look at that empty bank account, and I just can't help but wonder when things are going to change, and why not now? He says that he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, but I'm broke all the time, and living just barely below my means, constantly in fear of what would happen if, say, my car broke down, or I got another parking ticket, or someone even less fortunate than me needs my help, and I can't help them. A woman on the street asked me the other day if I had any money she could use to buy her children some food. All I had was a dollar. She looked at it like I look at myself in the mirror sometimes. not enough.
So, God has said that he would always take care of me, as long as I can trust him. What I'm finding out is that it's more of a day to day trust than a ten year plan trust.
Long story short, I need to get fingerprinted for my new job, which I think might help me a bit in the money department. We'll see. anyway, I was told to bring a photo ID and $15.00 to the Police station, so that my forms could be processed. I went to get some money out of my bank. I had a balance of $17.00. Barely made it. When I got there, however, I was told that the processing fee was actually $20.00. I though maybe I had some money left in my savings account (which was slowly being cleaned out). I asked where the nearest ATM was and bolted out the door.
I got lost looking for it. I always get lost when I'm looking for something. It's like my brain gets bored and decides to do something else, while the rest of me is left to continue on without it. So, I needed to find my brain, and an ATM. I finally found it (the ATM, that is) and checked the balance in my savings, hoping to be surprised. $0.00. Can't say I wasn't surprised, but it wasn't exactly the type of surprise I was looking for.
I had to go and borrow some money from someone. I really didn't want to, but what else was I going to do? I walked back to the police station with my head hung as low as that time I had to tell my Grandma that I had kicked a soccer ball through her window.
These are the times I talk to God, and make sure that I'm doing the right thing. Or, perhaps just to see what exactly he is doing. I mean, he promised, right?
"You're going to help me out, aren't you? You said you were going to be there, for whatever I needed, right? Now would be a good time to help me out."
I guess I was almost hoping a 5 dollar bill would come blowing down the street as I turned the corner to the police station. No such luck. I walked through the door.
I've never been a really big fan of the police. I guess it's my punk rock days. I'm just used to being harassed rather than being served and protected. Not that I've had a whole lot of run ins with the police. Just enough to not trust them.
I explained my situation to the officer behind the desk, and I said that I needed to reschedule my appointment. She looked at me for a second. I just wanted her to help me reschedule so I could get over this embarrassment and go home. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a 5 dollar bill. "You look like you could use a hand, and I could use a good deed for the day," she smiled.
"good Samaritan deed" she said, actually.
I walked home with what I needed. Exactly what I needed, and no less. I think it's part of God's weird sense of humor that He seems to reserve especially for me that I got my help from a cop. These were the people I demonized for so long, because of a few negative experiences. Good Samaritan, she called herself. Weird sense of humor.
I still don't have the next few steps figured out. I just have this promise, this weird promise that he's going to take care of me. I've always thought that the hardest part of being in any relationship is moments like this, when nothing is sure. When I could just as easily spend all my time worrying about the future, those are the moments I need to love those around me.
"I love you."
I said it out loud, as that phrase always deserves to be spoken. As the light on my gas meter turned on, I choked back a tear, not because I had another thing to worry about, but because I was, despite all other things, in love.
Of course, I didn't really cry.
Men don't cry.
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