25 Years Old, No Job, And I Live With My Parents

I woke up early yesterday morning, and tried not to wake Sean up. I'm glad I failed. It would be a shame if I didn't get to say goodbye. He hurt his hand while we were moving, and when his brother couldn't come out to help him move more, he said "That's okay, I have my other family here."

It's true. He's my other family.

I'm leaving my family. To go be with my family. Then, I am going to leave both families in order to be in a different country. Why am I doing this? I feel like I haven't really asked myself that question a lot. I really was at first trying to see if I COULD do it. and now that I realize that I can, now that everything is starting to move, we're generating heat from the source... doubt comes like a cold wind from the north. I'm going for six weeks to live in the north. To live in doubt.

As soon as I hit the freeway, all the warning lights on my dashboard flash on. They are trying to tell me something. It's an omen. The final interpretation of a nightmare. I say a prayer and keep on moving. If something goes wrong, even a flat tire, it's over. I don't have any money. I have tied all my hopes to the mast of a single ship, out on a storm torn sea. I'll have nothing to float on if I sink.

It's weird, I think. How often I am just inches away from ruin and failure all the time. I guess I don't think about it. Issues come up. I have problems that seem unsolvable, and suddenly, at the last moment, everything works out. I've literally had money appear in my pocket. I've had food delivered to my doorstep without me knowing why. I guess it's more than coincidence. I just have to keep driving, no matter what the lights on the dashboard say. I am going home.

What about my family? I am so different now from who I was when I last lived with them. Different in a good way sometimes, but also... just different. I've seen and been through so much that has marked me. I made decisions that only made things worse in that darkness. I am still dealing with the repercussions of those decisions. What if they notice? What will I do then?

What if I can't learn to speak Korean? They say after twelve, it's nearly impossible. I'm 25. Who am I kidding? How am I going to survive out there? Will I come back from this experience changed at all? I have to. Change is vital for me. If I don't change, I am going to a place that I never wanted to be.

Alone.

I would have to make this trip all alone, wouldn't I? It seems I'm always alone, even when there are people in the room. And this trip is no exception. I'm on my way to being alone for a while. God help me, I thought this was the right decision to make.

Every single time I hit a bump on the road, or my car swerves in a funny way, I start to think the worst. It's going to flip over and explode, and I'll die by the roadside before a single one of my dreams is realized. God help me.

I have to believe that he will.

I pull up to the driveway of my parents house, alive and with a perfectly functional car. They lied to me, all those lights on the dashboard, trying to keep me from going anywhere. Inside is my family. The first people to ever truly understand me. I will be okay with them. I will not turn back, even when it is frightening to do so. This is the place where God has put me. Thirty dollars in my bank account. 25 years old, no job, and I live with my parents. Call me overly optimistic, but I think something wonderful is about to happen.