I have a beautiful body, in a sort of... untrue kind of way. I was never in the best of shapes. I mean, everyone is in some sort of shape, right? Mine is just less of a sculptural ideal and more of a ...muffin.
You know that part of the muffin that hangs over the side of those muffin papers that they put them in? Yeah, like that.
There are some overweight people who are actually pretty good athletes. I am not. I'm actually not even that coordinated. I can't walk in a straight line for very long without concentrating really hard. If I'm in a group talking to someone I kind of tend to pinball around a bit. It's okay, that's just kind of who I am. But I do want to change that. That's why I'm going swimming at the pool.
Words cannot describe how incredibly lame I look in my swimsuit, with my goggles that leave scrape marks on my nose because they are made especially for the shallow Korean bridge, combined with my swimcap (which the lifeguards make me wear, as though that will keep all the hair out of their pool) and my particular swimming style, perfected from years of never trying.
The pool is crowded when I get in. I feel (as I often do) that everyone is staring at me. I felt that way in America, when it wasn't true, but I feel it now all the more. I realized later it was because I was swimming in the wrong lane (apparently there are specific lanes for people wearing fins). I have to share this lane with 5 other people. I can feel their hands scraping my feet while they pass me. Everyone passes me. I really feel like this is not a place I should be. It has been a long time. Middle aged women are passing me, but I don't stop swimming until I have swum the amount I came for. Someday they won't pass me.
On the way back home, I pull out my flash cards on the bus. My flash cards are also extremely uncool. I have become known for my flash cards. I use them at work, on the bus, when I go home, and all throughout the weekends. I use them to learn to speak Korean. It is going very very slow. I have already learned enough Korean to thoroughly impress everyone back home, because I'm white, so I shouldn't know any Korean. I really don't want to impress people anymore.
Well... I wouldn't go that far, actually.
Let's just say that I don't want to want to impress people anymore.
I've noticed an interesting connection between coolness and success. Most successful people don't seem all that cool at first.
I'm not saying that successful people are uncool. In fact it is a very cool thing just to be successful. In fact I think that everyone in the world should always try to be as cool as they possibly can. Wear clean clothes, trim your nails, don't pick your nose, etc. There is nothing wrong with looking good.
Except when that was the entire goal.
Being cool means that you don't go places where you won't fit in. Being cool means that you don't try something when you know you will fail miserably at first. Being cool means always, always, always being in a situation you can handle, so that you always look good.
Again, I'm not saying that successful people are not cool, or even that they don't try to be cool, but when being cool itself is not the goal, a successful person can sacrifice his coolness in order to pursue success. I want to be like that.
So go ahead and pass me, Ajuma swimmers of Korea, I'm going to get faster, and I won't always look like a muffin. And go ahead and laugh at my flash cards, my so-called friends who spend their weekends getting drunk and the majority of their workweek on Facebook. I will speak someday.
I want to sacrifice for something better than cool.
3 comments:
,I'm actually not even that coordinated. I can't walk in a straight line for very long without concentrating really hard. If I'm in a group talking to someone I kind of tend to pinball around a bit.
I laugh because I empathize. You are not alone. My mother tells people "She can fall just standing there, doing nothing!" And it's not an exaggeration. I've sprained my ankle just putting my foot down. Unfortunately, there were witnesses.
I've never been all that cool myself. (Let's face it--I was a geek from the minute I was born.) But one of the best things about being uncool is that you're allowed to be weird--you're allowed to think outside of the box, to not fit in, and most of all, to get excited about things that cool people think are nerdy, like going to see Harry Potter at midnight the night it comes out.
I've come into my own in that regard the last few years and it's been freeing--people don't expect me to be normal, which frees me of their expectations and opinions of me (on which I unfortunately rely too heavily upon, entirely too often).
So cheers for being uncool.
Cheers to you, titanica. You will never rise above the level of your peers if you use their opinon to guide your behaviour.
P.S. I once broke my arm standing up on a pair of roller blades. It was during the late 90's. That's what I get for trying to be cool I guess...
I laughed at the description of you in the goggles at the pool. But not cause you are laughable but because it is such a Stephen thing. You are determined to get to where want to get regardless of what kind of image is being portrayed. I'm not sure why your flashcards are so uncool, but I know it will be worth it when you become fluent in Korean. :)
I am glad you have started writing again. I miss your stories, and I miss you! Keep being uncool Stephen. It's just so much more cooler that way :)
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