Jeju Day 1:Seoul

Got on the train, not too early this morning and headed to Seoul. That expression "headed" strikes me as funny now.

I guess the question it makes me ask is "what does my head have to do with my direction?" I'm sure that's a really stupid question.

Someday, maybe my head will be facing the same direction that I'm going. I'll get there fast. Until then, it's nice to have it turned slightly to the side. You can see a the things you're going past a lot better. It's a beautiful view, especialy since you're leaving it.

Since arriving at Seoul Station, I have been thinking a lot about my past. Probably because I plan to confront my past on Jeju. Probably also because I'll be seeing two important caracters from that part of my life today. Two of my old Youth Group students. I call them this not because they're old (neither of tem is yet 16, if I'm not mistaken) but because I felt like such an old man those years ago. It's not them, it's me. It's always been me.

I stopped at a coffee shop after much wandering. Actually, I stopped at a Cold Stone and ordered coffee. I just realized that I was specifically loking for western places. Is that because I'm on vacation? Do I somehow realize that I don't belong here, or did I stop wanting to?

I wonder if the other people in Cold Stone spend as much time thinking about themselves as I do.

I hope not. How would they get anything done?

People have families by the time they are my age, you know? They are responsble for another human life and they get to have sex regularly. I know for sure that I'm not ready for that.

Children, I mean.

What an insane responsibility to have someone completely dependant on you. What a frightening thing.

Gotta grow up. Gotta learn not to be afraid. Gotta remember that there already are people who depend on me. I'm going to meet two of them now.

First up is a guy who seemed like nothing but trouble. I used to think that he caused a lot of distractions, and then I realized he was trying to get my attention. He started out as a pest. I cried the day he left for Korea. Not a lot of things make me cry (despite rumors to the contrary) but I thought I would never see him again. Now we're going to spend a lazy (and apparently rainy) afternoon in Seoul. We are going to Taco Bell, another place I never thought I would be grateful to see. I am wating for him at the subway station.

Waiting is good. We can only be as grateful as the time we spend in waiting, and I've been saving up patience for something good.

Next up is a sad story of the things a teenage girls' mind can do to her without her permission. My other student. She's in trouble. She knows that she is, but thinks it's too late to save her. It's been a while since I've talked to someone who was so utterly convinced that they were worthless and all alone. The last person was me. She gets used by guys and thinks she deserves it. She's happy baecause she doesn't feel anything for them. It's times like these that I'm glad I'm stupid enough to believe in miracles.

We walked down the street, past the sidewalk corners piled high wth garbage. "My life is kind of garbage right now," she said with a laugh. What else can I do but stupidly hope for a miracle? No amount of arguing or pleading can convince a broken heart to heal itself. If there's anything I've learned recently it's that some lessons have to be learned the hard way. The miracle is if she fgures it out before any permanent damage is done.

Turned in at a Jjimjilbang(Korean bath house)near the station. Don't think I'll sleep much though. I've got an early morning and a lot on my mind.

They call life "the grand narative," something along the lines of a really important story. Sometimes I wish I could skip ahead to the end. I hope it turns out alright.