11.10.11

The Easy Hurt

I'm having one of those "not tonight Korea, I have a headache" moments. Everything is a fight.

The students don't listen.

I can't concentrate.

The teachers can't communicate.

The food smells like death.

To be honest, most days, I like the fight. It keeps me awake. In America, life was too easy. I was fat (in more ways than one). Convenience is a slow and happy killer. All we need to do is relax for long enough to mix with the dirt.

Put down roots.

Soak up the sun.

Never move again.

Today I wish I lived close to my sister. The sound of her voice would be like therapy. She understands me without hearing me speak. Don't know if there are other people like that in the world. I moved a world away from it. I don't even think I was happy when I lived near.

It's not you, it's me.

It's easier to be unknown most days. I'm a little bit famous in my city (my face is strange), but that's not what I mean by being known.

Everyone stares.

No one speaks.

It's easy without people. It's easy, but it hurts. It's when you're alone that you notice all the things that you could care about but shouldn't. Things like crowded buses, cranky coworkers, long work hours, persistent coughs, your Facebook account, and the time difference between Seoul and Los Angeles. Not to mention unapetizing elementary school cafeteria food.

Smells like death.

One of my favorite movies is about an Irish man who becomes a butler for an eccentric millionaire who keeps alligators in the house. I'll never forget one particular part of the movie. After his first day, the butler turns to the cook and asks "is it forever like this?"

"Like what?," she says, confused.

"Like this" is something I want to remember. I want to carry it with me until my dying day. Fight to stay alive. Remember what love is. It is, in fact, love that I want, and not the easy unknown. It is not envious or proud. It is not forever like this.

4.10.11

Dry For Too Long

There's a weird backward magnetism to rain. It draws everything in and away. I'm looking out at the petals of rain, drumming against my windows on the 4th floor of 해서 Elementary, and I can't help but think that the world within has become enchanted for the disturbance outside.

Colors seem brighter.

Noises louder.

I can hear the students talking as they trample carelessly by my door. They used to speak only as an exotic fog to which I had no clarity.

These days, it seems as though everything is coming into focus.

Took long enough.

Seems like it took just long enough.

The cold air draws the skin tight against my body, and the wind carries with it the scent of air that stood dry for too long. It smells warm.

It will be Halloween. Then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas, but before that, I am going to see home again.

It's such a strange word, in a strange world, and I've been looking for it for longer than I should. It bares teeth, deep down in my soul, and I would fight to keep it alive. I don't now think that I would fit into the shape I held when I was near it. My body is swolen, soaked with a foriegn rain. My actions have accents that are drawn more from love than clarity. Will home take me back? Does love endure all things? Will the prophet find honor in his own town? Have I been struck by something otherworldly, and if she smiles back, should I chase her?

Come away with me.

I came into this world limping so that I could earn the right to run.

26.9.11

Jeju Day 9: Till It's Done

Literally nothing happened these last 2 days. I tried to rest, and my foot didn't get any better. 미영 called me today, and we went to a place called the "Oriental Medicine Clinic," to give accupuncture a try. The first thing that surprised me is that this procedure is covered by my insurance. I guess that shows how little stock I put in the process.

The doctor came in and touched my wrists briefly. He told me that my injuries were not serious. I told him that it was my foot that was injured. He looked at me like I had just said the dumbest thing in the world. 미영 says that these doctors can tell the health of your entire body just by squeesing your wrists. I rolled my eyes at her pretty hard as I watched this guy poke 2 needles in my hand.

OW! 발이야!(It's my foot.)

I said this a few times, but he didn't dignify my stupidity with a response. He put one more neede in my arm, then two in my right leg (I injured my left foot) and the 2 more on my left foot, but none in the effected area. He then told me to wait for 10 minutes. It was like seeing a real doctor, except that I didn't believe a word he said. They put some weird goo on my foot and sent me home.

After my medical excursion, I got a text message from Cassie, telling me that she and Adean were going to get Indian food, and did I want to come? I wasn't instantly keen on the idea of going out, but I've really got to soak up the time I've got left with these two. I only have a few weeks until they go back to their respectve countries. We enjoyed some 메이블토스트 (toast with cream and syrup) and griped about work for a bit (even though I just got back from vacation, I try to save a few things for emergency gripe purposes). I feel like these two are family, and I've only known them for a year. I'll miss them lots, though both of them are for sure tired of Korea, and need to go home before either of them infects me with home sickness. I still have things to do here.

So there it was.

An adventure.

Confronting my past and using my present to make sense of my future. I often call myself "Lonely Bear," but I'm starting to realize that I've never really had to be alone. Maybe in a strange way, I chose to be alone for this brief time to better understand myself. What good is all this information if there is no one to share it with?

So, to you o' loyal reader(s?), I confess. I am not an artist or a visionary. I'm just some crazy kid who thinks in pictures, watches too many movies, and hears voices in his head. What I have heard and seen, I now relate to you. May it help you to grow, as I myself need desperately to grow up. Thank you for being here to wintness my first awkward steps in that direction. Speaking of awkward steps, I'll be damned if my foot isn't feling better already.

Accupuncture.

go fugure.

That's life for you. You never, ever, know what's going to do it 'till it's done. That's how long I plan to keep telling the story. Stop by again sometime.

25.9.11

Jeju Day 7: Doctor, Doctor

Feels great to wake up in my home, on a real bed, in a place where I can listen to music and use a computer. I didn't realize how much I missed my guitar either. I should play more often.

I decided not to go on the internet until the official "end" of my vacation, which is Friday. The idea feels pretty good I wait a few hours before calling my co-worker, 미영(MiYoung) to see if she can help me find a doctor's office. I always forget that her name is listed as "cleo" in my phone. I never call her that.

I'm starting to lose confidence in adults as I become closer to becoming one. Doctors, for instance. The doctor that 미영 and I went to. They took x-rays, shocked my foot with electrcity, and wrapped it in a hot bag for half an hour, then gave me pills and told me not to walk around a lot for the next 2 days.

미영 says that accupuncture is better.

Who knows, maybe it is?

All I'm starting to think is that no one really knows anything. Everything depends on what kind of documentation you have. That's what gives you the right to guess about things. Maybe I don't really know as little as I thought, compared to everyone else. I'm going to get some rest.

Maybe soon, I'll get to write about what accupuncture is like.

Jeju Day 6: Go

Well, this is it.

An abrupt end.

I woke up this morning with an entire body ready for an adventure except my foot. This pain has been constant for the last two days. It has even increased a little. Something is not right. Time to go back and see a doctor. I won't call this the end of an adventure. I still have to find out what's wrong with my foot.

The boat to Mokpo is the same boat I took to Jeju, but I never really took the time to describe it. All of the economy class is just a collection of giant mats. There are two in the room I was put in. They can hold about 50 people each, and they are about at capacity. It's like a giant picnic in the park. Everyone just picks a spot where they can put their stuff and squats down. The ground around each mat is littered with shoes upon shoes upon shoes.

I think I am going to take a nap.

Later, on my way outside to get some fresh air, I ran into a Korean boy. "ran into" is a funny way of putting it, because I think he was following me. He kept smiling and waving. We had a conversation consisting of all the Korean sentences I know. Since that didn't take very long, we decided to just stare out at the ocean, and he kept laughing the whole time, as though life were only a joke, as if miscommunication were only in our heads. It's so good to be quiet with someone, even if it's someone you don't know very well. I drew a picture of his face. He wrote "100%" underneath it.

There's something, something unnameable about the experience of communication without words. About growing close to a stranger while looking out at a great big thing in silence. This is what my life should be about. This is what my art should be about. This is the thing that makes life liveable, that makes faith possible. This is the thing that I've got to show someone or I'll just explode. My life is the pursuit of something big and quiet. Something that communicates without speaking. How will words ever really capture it? Maybe it was never meant to be captured.

The taxi driver at Mokpo Ferry picked up another person with me, but when he dropped us off, he charged both of us the individual fee.

Really?

Whatever, I don't speak enough Korean to argue with him, and the other guy paid it like it was no big deal. It was only 2,300 won anyway.

The train station is packed, and a lot of the seats on the train are booked. I had to upgrade to 1st class. Worth it though, because if I had bought my tickets in advance, I would be making a huge financial sacrifice by coming home early. It's annoying the way these little kids take up the seats, laid down or sprawled out on 2 or 3 of them. I may look young and strong, but I have a bad limp, and I need somewhere to sit. I finally gave up and ordered some food in a local restaurant. I ordered a roll of Kimbap. It came with Kimchi and a bowl of fish broth. I had forgotten that it had been almost a week since I've eaten hot food. I didn't realize the joy of something so simple as a fresh prepared roll of kimbap and a bowl of hot broth. Who knows, I might even have some love for kimchi today.

I always eat too quick when I'm supposed to be wasting time. I've now got an hour to kill before my train leaves, and now I must attempt to look either contemplative or digestive. It's pretty much the same thing, since I'm convinced that thinking is something I do to pass the time between meals. Just like vacationing is something we do to fill the work void. Then retirement, grandchildren, and death. Life seems to be a collection of wastings and waitings. All these little things I've built up around myself 'till death due us part. I say this not as a precursor to depression, but as a declaration that I refuse to feel guilty for all the wasted hours I've spent this week, walking and waiting, sitting, sketching voyeuristic pictures of people and their belongings, wondering at their worth.

That's where meaning is found; in what we waste our time on.

God himself took seven days, just to give us things to waste about on. I have an atheist friend who says that it would make more sense if God made everything at once, to prove that he was God. That's not it though. Six days to work, one day to think, and then go back to working, without worrying about thinking for a while. Besides, who would God be proving himself to? Proving yourself is something insecure people do, Like artists who are too busy teaching English in Korea to get any of their projects done, or atheists who have ideas about God. Six days and one for wasting. That's how it is.

I think I just heard the boarding call for my train...

I want to go home really badly. I'm only an hour away. I'm excited to sleep in my bed, to prepare for the new semester, and to figure out what the hell is wrong with my foot. I hope they really find something, instead of just giving me a shot in my ass and 60 pills, which is the Korean medical solution to just about everything. I want x-rays and tests, and at some point, I want an old man in a white coat to poke my foot with a really weird looking tool. I'm American, damn it. That's medicine as I see it.

Got on the train. Happy happy happy to have a window seat this time. I forget too often what a beautiful country this is.

21.9.11

Jeju Day 5: Stay

Jjimjilbang, sweet jjimjilbang! I'm really starting to get used to this place. I woke up this morning relatively unsore, except for my left foot, which is starting to develop a sort of limp. My biggest concern is that one day, it will just explode, and then what will I use to walk on? It gets easer to move around as time goes by, because I've been eating my snacks, and that makes everything lighter. think I'm also getting used to sleeping light and travelling all day. I think I'll go to the local E-Mart and buy something to put in my shoes, just to be safe.

I think I'm starting to understand what this trip is all about, but I still have a few more days before I reach my conclusion.

E-Mart doesn't open for another hour, so I'm just going to wait here. Again, I don't realy have any place that I need to be. It's sort of amusing to watch all the people walk by, try the door, look at the business hours sign, then walk away frustrated. I guess I'm not the only one who thought they would be open earlier.

Today, I think I will go to the opposite side of the island. There should be a traditional village over there, and onward to what looks like a big city, where I should be able to find some place to sleep. I think this trip is going to be solidly successful, despite life's best efforts to keep me down.

Update: So, after thinking about it for a while, I've decided to take it easy and stay in the city for today. I really don't like the way my foot is acting up, and I only have three more places I want to see.

no rush.

take your time.

I feel like I keep telling myself that, or hearing it from... somewhere. What's a vacation if you don't relax, anyway?

I found a local tea shop and ordered a 녹차 (green tea) so that I could sit and let the heat of the day pass a bit. The lady that works here gave me my tea which, judging by the consistency, was probably made with instant powder. The joke's on her though, 'cause I'm mostly here to loiter.

There's a man sitting here wearing the traditional clothing of Jeju. Forget what it's called, but it's supposed to be really nice. They dye it with persimmons, and it usually comes out in a light red and dark mud red color. He looks comfortable as hell. I'm a little jealous of his getup. I've buried myself from collar to cuff in sweat. Maybe I should figure out his secrets?

It's actually been quite difficult to stay off my feet. I have places that I want to go, but my body is telling me not to go yet. It's also kind of difficult to find places to hang out without constantly spending money. The sun is brutal today. Outside is miserable. What else is there to do? I just have to wait for healing.

I bought some apples from the grocery store. Daegu is famous for apples. I am of the opinion that Daegu apples could own Jeju apples any day of the week. I'm kind of excited about the idea of going home. I usually feel this way by about day 5 of whatever vacation I'm on. I'm pretty sure this is day 5.

I've got to say though, it's interesting not having access to my usual time wasters (aka the internet et. al.). That's what they all are, aren't they? I think I could pretty much spend my entire life on wasting and never know that I wasn't busy. It's kind of nice to leave space for boredom. A brief waltz with a yawn and a tumbling scratch of the head perhaps? That would be cool. I should chuck my computer (maybe just my modem?) out the window when I get home. I just might save my own life. If I'm not careful, it just might become a life worth saving.

I've decided that if my foot isn't better by tomorrow, I will go home. I've seen a lot here. If it turns out to be enough, I'll go home. If not, then I'd love to keep exploring.

10.9.11

Jeju Day 4: Like Licorice

I decided to take it easy on my body today and try to make up for lost time by taking a bus. I had wanted to hike the whole way, but I've never been a very stubborn person, and I have no need to be stubborn with my body. A change in plans is much better than a bad injury. Seriously, though, after last night, I have travelled nowhere, and my clothes are all damp and smell like the ocean (see yesterday). I honestly want to give up, but I've decided to be hopeful that today will be better.

Is it just me, or did the attendant at that convenience store really look like Korean John Denver? I guess it is just me. That's the point.

Some super sweet Ajuhmas (old ladies) helped me find the right bus. for about 3,000 won I can travel as far as I need, and I'm pretty sure I can get there pretty fast. Today starts out fortunate. I don't know where it will go from here, but I'm determined to be like licorice... sweet and flexible. I pray the rest works out.

Seriously though, how does anyone travel in a country where they don't speak the language? I can kind of speak, and I am so lost and confused all the time. I don't know how these rich, yuppie, world-travelling types do it.

I arrived at my first destination and walked about 2km (somewhere near a mile?) to the Haenyeo museum. Haenyeo are this group of divers that only live on Jeju. They are all women, which is pretty cool, and they can all hold their breath for over 2 minutes because they dive underwater without a breathing apparatus, which is awesome. I'm going to take a rest here before continuing on. I think it's around noon, but I have no way of knowing. I'm just going to lay my damp clothes out in the sun and see if I can dry them, and then I'll check out the museum and see what I can learn about the Haenyeo. After this, I am going to see if I can find Manjanggeul, the lava caves. That seems like a pretty sweet way to finish out the day. I hope I can find a Jjimjilbang somewhere near where I end up tonight. How brave of me, to hope.

I had to take a looong walk to find a proper bus stop. I wasn't really sure if it was the right one, so I asked the bus driver.

이버스, 만장글 에가요?

아니요, he waved his hand at me. 만장글 입구, and then he drove off.

입구? 입구...I'm trying to remember what that means. Well, 구 means 9, so maybe I'm looking for bus number 9? 입9? 입 means mouth. Somehow that word seems familiar, like I should know it...입구?

Whatever.

I'm just going to get on the next bus I see.

It was when the next bus came that I remembered 입구: entrance. I could kick myself, but I'd rather kick the bus driver. Of course I wanted to go to the entrance. Did he really think I wanted to know if the bus was driving into the cave? Seriously, people.

Once on the bus, I am extremely aware of my smell. I suspect that the gentleman to my right feels the same way. I wish I could care more, but I really don't.

Onward.

I was a bit dissapointed by the lava caves. Maybe I'm jaded, or maybe I'm just a little bit too sore, but I wasn't really into it, and the rocky bottom made my feet sore. Not to mention the smell. If this cab drver is a worthy employee, he's gonna Fabreeze the hell out of this cab as soon as I leave. I have an overpowering smell right now.

Instead of braving the risk of homelessness tonight (since I found a bus that will take me back into the city for about 2,000 won), I have decided to find the Jjimjilbang I stayed at last night. I noticed this morning that they had a laundry facility that I'd love to take advantage of.

Waiting for the bus, I met a vacationing couple from Tennissee. We had a pretty good little chat before the bus came. I came to this island for silence and solitude, yet somehow I keep running into other people.

hmmm....