When I first discovered I was an introvert, I was shocked.
Being one of seven children in (at the time) a three bedroom house, I'm not sure if being alone had ever crossed my mind. Every day, from my morning alarm to brushing my teeth before bed, there was someone. Someone was my friend, someone was my partner, someone was my video game opponent. I loved it, and introvert seemed like such a dirty word.
I had no idea how tired I was.
In college, there was also someone, and my life was such a mess. Dirty dishes, cluttered appointment books, and clothes on the floor. We were all going somewhere, and we would figure ourselves out when we got there. Never alone, always asleep or wanting to be. The world could not make itself worthy of open eyes for me, and I was alone.
It's really the worst feeling I've ever had; to be alone when surrounded by so many other people. What is the cure for what you're feeling is all around you, but you just don't know how to access it?
I was terminal.
I left my home, the one that I had set up for my self in the state I was born in. My home country, to trade for another one full of people that I have no access to. Their lives seem good enough. No more or less dignified than the people I left them for. I could live here forever. I could live there forever. I've got to live somewhere forever.
It's really daunting to think of the immortality of the human soul. Our inception was an act for which motive has no answer, and is completely eternal, or, in a less spiritual wording, irreversible. Once life has been made, no matter what its reason, it cannot be unmade. Is such a high placement and judgement of finality worthy of this shell that I occupy?
I really do wonder sometimes if there are things in this world that should come to an end. I'm not God, so I'll not make that decision. There was once a time when I thought I was, but now I know far too much about the both of us to make that mistake.
And so, as God has decided that I am to be an introvert, I am now learning to be alone. I sit in coffee shops for hours by myself, and I ride the subways in silence. I eat alone, and at home I am given the keys to unlock the worlds that He has laid out for me inside my head. The lonesome babbler's compensation, where I can have community with God and with myself.
I am learning to be alone and not lonely. To speak when there is someone to speak to. As for these beautiful, shimmering worlds that have been given to me for my benefit? I have learned to be at peace with knowing that there are some things about me that no one on this earth will understand, though I, by virtue of what has been made for me, am understood.
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...For now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. -1 Corinthians 13:12
About Me
- LonelyBear
- Somewhere between Fullerton and Salinas, California, United States
2 comments:
I didn't think about such things when I was a kid. My twin sister was always there, always by my side, almost always across the classroom to raise an eyebrow to. To this day if we go out to do something, just the two of us, there's this weird feeling that tells us we're still doing it alone, that two halves make a whole and a third person added to our twinly duo only makes two.
As I've grown older, not only have I found I'm an introvert, but I'm content and happy being a homebody. Most people drain me--having quiet time at home recharges my batteries, even if only during my lunch hour off work. And I like being alone, entertaining myself, unless it means I'm utterly alone. I like the safety of having someone in the next room, it calms my paranoid fears of knowing there is someone to help should something happen, which my mind conjures images of all to frequently now a days. I blame trauma for that, the paranoid fears of unlikely events turning inevitable if I'm not cautious enough to check locks on doors or hear a window shatter. Someday, I'll be happy being alone, to enjoy the quiet, but for now there is comfort in the small sounds someone makes in the next room as they turn the page of a book or taps on their computer keys.
I'll stop there--I ended up writing so much I made a blog post instead of subjecting you to every aspect of introvertedness I could think of. At least there's an upside to being an introvert--you get to know yourself, and your own thoughts, rather well.
Thanks for your thoughts Titanica. I'm often glad these days that I was not allowed to decide which I should be. Tired of trying to get what I've wanted, and it's time to want what I've gotten.
It's not a punishment to be alone.
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