I have two umbrellas.
I have one because I bought it when it was raining, and I needed it. The other one I bought because I forgot where I put the first one, and it was raining again. I found the first one again right after I bought the second one.
Nothing ever really goes away. Especially once you decide you don't need it(them?) anymore.
What else is new because I don't remember the first time?
I ate chicken with 예슬 after work. She said that she wanted to eat chicken yesterday, but there was no one to eat it with. I ate chicken yesterday. Alone isn't my problem right now.
Is it bad luck or poor choices that make us dissatisfied? I could make a case for either. I'm not sure which I hope it could be. Were everything the result of my choices, I could change anything I wanted, couldn't I? On the other hand, if everything were left to fate, then I could relax for once. The loss of freedom comes with a certain amount of peace. It's called acceptance. Since everything is unknown, I find myself both alert and unchanged.
Maybe I knew the answer once and I just forgot. I know about forgetfullness. I have two umbrellas.
Spicy food gives me the hiccups. She only knows one remedy. I can think of at least 8. I'm kind of jealous of her.
I learned about these Korean birds that everyone hates. They were once a symbol of prosperity.
"In the old days, they were very, um...uncommon thing, but these days, they are everywhere, and they are fat."
"Are they still a symbol of prosperity?"
"Not anymore. Why?"
I guess we always assumed that success was a good thing. Here another season has changed, and it's spring. Once, I needed a jacket, and now it's an umbrella.
I also have two jackets.
I learned the Korean word for squirrel, but I forgot it. I have to draw diagrams sometimes just to prove that I know what she's talking about.
"Where did you learn to draw like that? Academy?"
"No, I just look at things for a long time."
I've been looking, but it still seems like I don't know which way I'm going. It's late and it's starting to rain again.
예슬 forgot her umbrella.
"That's okay," I tell her. "I have two."
2.5.12
12.3.12
Told You So
I'm an adult.
This is not new information, but I do need to remind myself from time to time. I used to think that adulthood was about doing whatever I wanted. Probably most children think that way. I remember the day that Mom told me I no longer had a bedtime. At 12, I though I had arrived. I remember that night.
I remember having to get up the next morning.
So then, apparently adulthood was about making responsble choices, and probably some other big words that I still don't fully understand. That's what Mom told me. That's why she let me stay up late, why she stopped nagging me about cleaning my room (mistake, btw) and why from 8th grade on, I was responsible to do my own laundry and ironing. I had to learn about another big word: Consequences.
Not that I'm complaining. I'm glad my parents wanted me to be responsible. It just seemed like they had a rather grim outlook on responsibility.
"I know you think being an adult is going to be sooooo much fun, but you don't know how good you have it. This is the best time of your life. I would give anything to be your age again."
I never quite bought that line. There was something else. Something about the fact that I could smell popcorn with butter coming from the living room about half an hour after bedtime. This was a time and place somehow forbidden to me. It was the same reason I couldn't sleep with Mom and Dad every time after I had a nightmare.
It was Dad's laugh too. The one he saved for the Tonight Show. He never laughed like that for the movies we watched with him. Jon and I would often sneak out down the long, dark hallway, careful not to step on any of the boards that creaked. Crouched on the stairwell, just out of sight, we couldn't see. We could only listen. I couldn't understand anything that Jay Leno was saying, I had come for the laugh. That distant call from a world that I could never know until the day that the title was magically bestowed on me.
Adult.
I wanted it so bad, and they were just being selfish. They told me that they needed time to be alone.
For what?
I want to play too.
"When you're older, you'll feel differently. It's just hormones."
It occured to me a while ago that I'm an adult, but something else occured to me that I didn't expect. It's something that 5-year old me stubbornly clung to, and swore the most sacred of oaths that he would hold to forever.
I was right.
Responsibility is just another word for freedom, and they tried to change my mind. My professors, family members, sunday school teachers, classmates, lab partners, bosses, supervisors, camp counselors, and even my subconscious, and the ways it was offended by all the things I would become, with or without my permission.
And those bastards didn't get me.
I had to grow up just to prove them wrong. I still feel the same way, and it is just as valid as it was when I was 5. I still like Batman comic books and cartoons. My room is still a mess, and I'm still a pretty damn good drawer.
I can say damn too. Nothing explodes. I checked.
So this is adulthood. It's what I've always been, plus those other cool things that I can see and use and know about.
Savings account
Sex
Parenthood
Paycheck
Facial hair
"R" for disturbing images
90 proof
Surgeon General's warning:
License
And perhaps I will make some really big mistakes with these things, but they are completely mine, and I am allowed to make them.
I was right all along.
I grew up just to prove you wrong.
This is not new information, but I do need to remind myself from time to time. I used to think that adulthood was about doing whatever I wanted. Probably most children think that way. I remember the day that Mom told me I no longer had a bedtime. At 12, I though I had arrived. I remember that night.
I remember having to get up the next morning.
So then, apparently adulthood was about making responsble choices, and probably some other big words that I still don't fully understand. That's what Mom told me. That's why she let me stay up late, why she stopped nagging me about cleaning my room (mistake, btw) and why from 8th grade on, I was responsible to do my own laundry and ironing. I had to learn about another big word: Consequences.
Not that I'm complaining. I'm glad my parents wanted me to be responsible. It just seemed like they had a rather grim outlook on responsibility.
"I know you think being an adult is going to be sooooo much fun, but you don't know how good you have it. This is the best time of your life. I would give anything to be your age again."
I never quite bought that line. There was something else. Something about the fact that I could smell popcorn with butter coming from the living room about half an hour after bedtime. This was a time and place somehow forbidden to me. It was the same reason I couldn't sleep with Mom and Dad every time after I had a nightmare.
It was Dad's laugh too. The one he saved for the Tonight Show. He never laughed like that for the movies we watched with him. Jon and I would often sneak out down the long, dark hallway, careful not to step on any of the boards that creaked. Crouched on the stairwell, just out of sight, we couldn't see. We could only listen. I couldn't understand anything that Jay Leno was saying, I had come for the laugh. That distant call from a world that I could never know until the day that the title was magically bestowed on me.
Adult.
I wanted it so bad, and they were just being selfish. They told me that they needed time to be alone.
For what?
I want to play too.
"When you're older, you'll feel differently. It's just hormones."
It occured to me a while ago that I'm an adult, but something else occured to me that I didn't expect. It's something that 5-year old me stubbornly clung to, and swore the most sacred of oaths that he would hold to forever.
I was right.
Responsibility is just another word for freedom, and they tried to change my mind. My professors, family members, sunday school teachers, classmates, lab partners, bosses, supervisors, camp counselors, and even my subconscious, and the ways it was offended by all the things I would become, with or without my permission.
And those bastards didn't get me.
I had to grow up just to prove them wrong. I still feel the same way, and it is just as valid as it was when I was 5. I still like Batman comic books and cartoons. My room is still a mess, and I'm still a pretty damn good drawer.
I can say damn too. Nothing explodes. I checked.
So this is adulthood. It's what I've always been, plus those other cool things that I can see and use and know about.
Savings account
Sex
Parenthood
Paycheck
Facial hair
"R" for disturbing images
90 proof
Surgeon General's warning:
License
And perhaps I will make some really big mistakes with these things, but they are completely mine, and I am allowed to make them.
I was right all along.
I grew up just to prove you wrong.
Strength in Layers of Cardboard
Crawled out of bed today. Sleep is my favourite. There's a ukulele by my bed made completely out of corrugated cardboard. It makes me want to try harder. I feel important today, like it's possible to do something, from start to finish. I used to want to change the world. Is it possible that this is a small dream as well?
I wonder.
I still get most of my news from Facebook. I guess it's better than being out of the loop, but I should probably pick up a newspaper from time to time. These days, everyone is passing around either a video by the Invisible Children guys about a man named Joseph Kony, or they are posting rebuttal articles, calling the video "one-sided and not helpful." All I can think is "damn it, here's another thing I have to form an opinion about in order to be an adult."
They really make you work for it, don't they?
Everyone says that the world is going to Hell and there's nothing we can do about it. Seems like they've been saying that forever. Saving the world is a small dream anyway. It'll never last. My thoughts today are on a cardboard ukulele, and the strength of the human heart, all wrapped up in layers over time. There is nothing in the world more important.
I want to save one of those.
I wonder.
I still get most of my news from Facebook. I guess it's better than being out of the loop, but I should probably pick up a newspaper from time to time. These days, everyone is passing around either a video by the Invisible Children guys about a man named Joseph Kony, or they are posting rebuttal articles, calling the video "one-sided and not helpful." All I can think is "damn it, here's another thing I have to form an opinion about in order to be an adult."
They really make you work for it, don't they?
Everyone says that the world is going to Hell and there's nothing we can do about it. Seems like they've been saying that forever. Saving the world is a small dream anyway. It'll never last. My thoughts today are on a cardboard ukulele, and the strength of the human heart, all wrapped up in layers over time. There is nothing in the world more important.
I want to save one of those.
11.3.12
Weather Or Not
I don't know why, but I felt like waking up when my alarm went off this morning. There is something that I find sickeningly abnormal about a strong desire to face the world exactly at the time that such motivation is required.
I don't trust me when I'm happy. It's been too long.
I showered
I drank coffee
I listened to music.
I need all three to wake up in the morning, and today...
...I don't know what I need.
I taught the 6th graders in the morning. When I first came to this school, they were in the 4th grade.
I remember.
김예슬, my 6th grade co-teacher was a 5th grade homeroom teacher last year, and the year before, she was a student. I feel like I've been here forever, and I will be here for longer than that. What else would I do with my life? I have been doing this forever.
It's cloudy today, and 10 C. I know what that means now. I don't know what we would call this the way that my people speak about weather. Perhaps we would call it "nice." As in:
"How's the weather today?"
"Oh, it's nice."
I'm not used to this.
I've been keeping my days busy, instead of wasting them on Facebook. It seems like this world has been waiting for me to get my act in gear, and it's not going to get going again until I decide something.
Where do we go from here?
The weather is nice.
It's been a while since I've had this sort of day, but I remember the last time.
You can come back if you want. I think tomorrow's forecast is the same.
I don't trust me when I'm happy. It's been too long.
I showered
I drank coffee
I listened to music.
I need all three to wake up in the morning, and today...
...I don't know what I need.
I taught the 6th graders in the morning. When I first came to this school, they were in the 4th grade.
I remember.
김예슬, my 6th grade co-teacher was a 5th grade homeroom teacher last year, and the year before, she was a student. I feel like I've been here forever, and I will be here for longer than that. What else would I do with my life? I have been doing this forever.
It's cloudy today, and 10 C. I know what that means now. I don't know what we would call this the way that my people speak about weather. Perhaps we would call it "nice." As in:
"How's the weather today?"
"Oh, it's nice."
I'm not used to this.
I've been keeping my days busy, instead of wasting them on Facebook. It seems like this world has been waiting for me to get my act in gear, and it's not going to get going again until I decide something.
Where do we go from here?
The weather is nice.
It's been a while since I've had this sort of day, but I remember the last time.
You can come back if you want. I think tomorrow's forecast is the same.
17.11.11
A Foot Condition
I've been having a thought lately. It's been running circles in my head and it won't come out. Who's to say it ever will? That's the work of a lifetime, I've found: to make it all come out. That's why a lot of artists kill themselves.
Cowards.
Gonna make it all come out before I get out of here.
I think I've given up on happy. It's a race. I've never been much of a runner (I have a foot condition). I'll have to settle for purpose over happy, if I can have that. Most days I fear I'll fail at that too.
I confuse the two, happiness and purpose. If I'm happy, I think that everything I do has meaning. If I'm not, then everything is stupid and I've failed. Everyone else is doing better because they seem to smile when I don't look at them directly.
After all these years, I haven't learned to be direct. Maybe I should try happy?
No. It's a race. My feet weren't designed for that. I'm going to stay.
Maybe I wasn't designed for happy either.
We can't all be happy all the time, you know. It's like money. In order for some to have a lot, most people have to get by with little or none. I don't mind, but it seems like I don't meet too many of the people with lots, and if I'm going to have to do without, I would at least like to know that the people around me aren't going through the same thing.
That's one thing I would ask God. If you must continue in this way, will you take care of the ones I love? I will be satisfied in that.
People talk to me all the time about being depressed. Their arguments usually amount to something along the lines of "I don't like that, so stop it." It's a fair argument, but it's not complete.
You don't know what I've seen.
What I'm able to see. Not yet.
I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid of sacrificing my entire life to failure for the hope of one success. I'm not afraid of death; I will embrace it when it is my time. I am not scared to be misunderstood. Got to keep breathing. Got to keep writing happy endings because I haven't seen a real one. Got to make it all come out before I go.
I will be satisfied in that.
Cowards.
Gonna make it all come out before I get out of here.
I think I've given up on happy. It's a race. I've never been much of a runner (I have a foot condition). I'll have to settle for purpose over happy, if I can have that. Most days I fear I'll fail at that too.
I confuse the two, happiness and purpose. If I'm happy, I think that everything I do has meaning. If I'm not, then everything is stupid and I've failed. Everyone else is doing better because they seem to smile when I don't look at them directly.
After all these years, I haven't learned to be direct. Maybe I should try happy?
No. It's a race. My feet weren't designed for that. I'm going to stay.
Maybe I wasn't designed for happy either.
We can't all be happy all the time, you know. It's like money. In order for some to have a lot, most people have to get by with little or none. I don't mind, but it seems like I don't meet too many of the people with lots, and if I'm going to have to do without, I would at least like to know that the people around me aren't going through the same thing.
That's one thing I would ask God. If you must continue in this way, will you take care of the ones I love? I will be satisfied in that.
People talk to me all the time about being depressed. Their arguments usually amount to something along the lines of "I don't like that, so stop it." It's a fair argument, but it's not complete.
You don't know what I've seen.
What I'm able to see. Not yet.
I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid of sacrificing my entire life to failure for the hope of one success. I'm not afraid of death; I will embrace it when it is my time. I am not scared to be misunderstood. Got to keep breathing. Got to keep writing happy endings because I haven't seen a real one. Got to make it all come out before I go.
I will be satisfied in that.
10.11.11
Umbrella
I find refuge in the time I have to myself.
I think, at one time I was supposed to find refuge in something(someone?) else, but I often forget who that is, and mistake that identity for someone else. I guess I had better hope that this great thing that I never seem to stop looking for is also somehow inside of me, or I may never find it.
Or perhaps, I'll find it and then I'll just give up because I'll never get my head around it or it scares me too much. That's why we watch movies and listen to music. That thing is out there, somewhere in the real world. Better to stay indoors as much as possible, and always go out with an umbrella.
Actually, I prefer Youtube. Sometimes the movies talk about it too.
I'm in a shop called "Hands Coffee." The barrista is kind of cute. I wonder what would happen if I went up to her and told her that, and maybe kissed her on the cheek. Maybe it would be like a movie, except for the part where it's her turn to react.
That's another thing I like about the movies. There's always a main character. I can never react to anything properly because I'm pretty sure I'm an extra. With the amount of effort I put into my life, I'll be lucky if I'm even credited.
The slogan for this place is "My life, my choice." I'm suddenly worried that there are stem cells in my coffee. I forget why that's supposed to make me angry. It has something to do with Christopher Reeve, but he's dead. Should I still be upset?
Anyway, I'm about finished with my latte and I can safely say that the slogan is the only strong thing about this place.
The PA system is playing a jazz cover of "Tainted Love," This has nothing to do with anything (I wish it did) but I thought I'd mention it anyway.
I think the barrista is smiling at me out of the corner of my eye. I try smiling at her. I don't think she was smiling at me anymore.
What I wouldn't give to be at least a supporting cast member. Like Ron Weasley.
He got Hermoine. How the hell did that happen?
This place is orange. I can see the cold, steel blue of the outdoors through the windows. I've been learning about color temperature online in my free time. Everything we think we know is backwards. All the cool colors come from high temperatures, and all the warm ones come from lower temperatures. Does that mean that the outside is warmer?
Or at least, more heat?
Heat isn't the same as temperature. We learned that in school. Temperature is a number, but heat is motion. A vat of molten steel has nothing on the heat generated by the ocean.
Motion. So many things moving around. Life has no plot that I can find.
My hand is on the door. I wait for the heat to come. THe ocean. It spins around in circles, and no one can breathe underwater. The barrista notices me leaving.
"감사합니다! 안녕히 가십시요!"
I'll bet she says that to everyone.
I think, at one time I was supposed to find refuge in something(someone?) else, but I often forget who that is, and mistake that identity for someone else. I guess I had better hope that this great thing that I never seem to stop looking for is also somehow inside of me, or I may never find it.
Or perhaps, I'll find it and then I'll just give up because I'll never get my head around it or it scares me too much. That's why we watch movies and listen to music. That thing is out there, somewhere in the real world. Better to stay indoors as much as possible, and always go out with an umbrella.
Actually, I prefer Youtube. Sometimes the movies talk about it too.
I'm in a shop called "Hands Coffee." The barrista is kind of cute. I wonder what would happen if I went up to her and told her that, and maybe kissed her on the cheek. Maybe it would be like a movie, except for the part where it's her turn to react.
That's another thing I like about the movies. There's always a main character. I can never react to anything properly because I'm pretty sure I'm an extra. With the amount of effort I put into my life, I'll be lucky if I'm even credited.
The slogan for this place is "My life, my choice." I'm suddenly worried that there are stem cells in my coffee. I forget why that's supposed to make me angry. It has something to do with Christopher Reeve, but he's dead. Should I still be upset?
Anyway, I'm about finished with my latte and I can safely say that the slogan is the only strong thing about this place.
The PA system is playing a jazz cover of "Tainted Love," This has nothing to do with anything (I wish it did) but I thought I'd mention it anyway.
I think the barrista is smiling at me out of the corner of my eye. I try smiling at her. I don't think she was smiling at me anymore.
What I wouldn't give to be at least a supporting cast member. Like Ron Weasley.
He got Hermoine. How the hell did that happen?
This place is orange. I can see the cold, steel blue of the outdoors through the windows. I've been learning about color temperature online in my free time. Everything we think we know is backwards. All the cool colors come from high temperatures, and all the warm ones come from lower temperatures. Does that mean that the outside is warmer?
Or at least, more heat?
Heat isn't the same as temperature. We learned that in school. Temperature is a number, but heat is motion. A vat of molten steel has nothing on the heat generated by the ocean.
Motion. So many things moving around. Life has no plot that I can find.
My hand is on the door. I wait for the heat to come. THe ocean. It spins around in circles, and no one can breathe underwater. The barrista notices me leaving.
"감사합니다! 안녕히 가십시요!"
I'll bet she says that to everyone.
8.11.11
Candid/Candone
God is a photographer.
I've been a bit into photography lately, and one of my more willful sins is to think that God is a little bit like me. Perhaps we have a few hobbies in common. I feel the need to indulge in the mood I'm in right now, so you, O loyal reader(s?) will have to forgive me (as He often does).
He put a soft filter of fog down around the whole of the landscape. Spared no expense. The colors are outlined deep against the grey of yet another subtlety that they all dismiss as absence.
He is not seen.
He is behind.
He is gathering exposure.
These days, I am becoming more sensitive to light. I don't understand what it is, but I think that the world is posed; caught in the middle of saying "cheese."
I'll wait until I catch you off guard. I can picture you better that way.
11.10.11
The Easy Hurt
I'm having one of those "not tonight Korea, I have a headache" moments. Everything is a fight.
The students don't listen.
I can't concentrate.
The teachers can't communicate.
The food smells like death.
To be honest, most days, I like the fight. It keeps me awake. In America, life was too easy. I was fat (in more ways than one). Convenience is a slow and happy killer. All we need to do is relax for long enough to mix with the dirt.
Put down roots.
Soak up the sun.
Never move again.
Today I wish I lived close to my sister. The sound of her voice would be like therapy. She understands me without hearing me speak. Don't know if there are other people like that in the world. I moved a world away from it. I don't even think I was happy when I lived near.
It's not you, it's me.
It's easier to be unknown most days. I'm a little bit famous in my city (my face is strange), but that's not what I mean by being known.
Everyone stares.
No one speaks.
It's easy without people. It's easy, but it hurts. It's when you're alone that you notice all the things that you could care about but shouldn't. Things like crowded buses, cranky coworkers, long work hours, persistent coughs, your Facebook account, and the time difference between Seoul and Los Angeles. Not to mention unapetizing elementary school cafeteria food.
Smells like death.
One of my favorite movies is about an Irish man who becomes a butler for an eccentric millionaire who keeps alligators in the house. I'll never forget one particular part of the movie. After his first day, the butler turns to the cook and asks "is it forever like this?"
"Like what?," she says, confused.
"Like this" is something I want to remember. I want to carry it with me until my dying day. Fight to stay alive. Remember what love is. It is, in fact, love that I want, and not the easy unknown. It is not envious or proud. It is not forever like this.
The students don't listen.
I can't concentrate.
The teachers can't communicate.
The food smells like death.
To be honest, most days, I like the fight. It keeps me awake. In America, life was too easy. I was fat (in more ways than one). Convenience is a slow and happy killer. All we need to do is relax for long enough to mix with the dirt.
Put down roots.
Soak up the sun.
Never move again.
Today I wish I lived close to my sister. The sound of her voice would be like therapy. She understands me without hearing me speak. Don't know if there are other people like that in the world. I moved a world away from it. I don't even think I was happy when I lived near.
It's not you, it's me.
It's easier to be unknown most days. I'm a little bit famous in my city (my face is strange), but that's not what I mean by being known.
Everyone stares.
No one speaks.
It's easy without people. It's easy, but it hurts. It's when you're alone that you notice all the things that you could care about but shouldn't. Things like crowded buses, cranky coworkers, long work hours, persistent coughs, your Facebook account, and the time difference between Seoul and Los Angeles. Not to mention unapetizing elementary school cafeteria food.
Smells like death.
One of my favorite movies is about an Irish man who becomes a butler for an eccentric millionaire who keeps alligators in the house. I'll never forget one particular part of the movie. After his first day, the butler turns to the cook and asks "is it forever like this?"
"Like what?," she says, confused.
"Like this" is something I want to remember. I want to carry it with me until my dying day. Fight to stay alive. Remember what love is. It is, in fact, love that I want, and not the easy unknown. It is not envious or proud. It is not forever like this.
4.10.11
Dry For Too Long
There's a weird backward magnetism to rain. It draws everything in and away. I'm looking out at the petals of rain, drumming against my windows on the 4th floor of 해서 Elementary, and I can't help but think that the world within has become enchanted for the disturbance outside.
Colors seem brighter.
Noises louder.
I can hear the students talking as they trample carelessly by my door. They used to speak only as an exotic fog to which I had no clarity.
These days, it seems as though everything is coming into focus.
Took long enough.
Seems like it took just long enough.
The cold air draws the skin tight against my body, and the wind carries with it the scent of air that stood dry for too long. It smells warm.
It will be Halloween. Then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas, but before that, I am going to see home again.
It's such a strange word, in a strange world, and I've been looking for it for longer than I should. It bares teeth, deep down in my soul, and I would fight to keep it alive. I don't now think that I would fit into the shape I held when I was near it. My body is swolen, soaked with a foriegn rain. My actions have accents that are drawn more from love than clarity. Will home take me back? Does love endure all things? Will the prophet find honor in his own town? Have I been struck by something otherworldly, and if she smiles back, should I chase her?
Come away with me.
I came into this world limping so that I could earn the right to run.
Colors seem brighter.
Noises louder.
I can hear the students talking as they trample carelessly by my door. They used to speak only as an exotic fog to which I had no clarity.
These days, it seems as though everything is coming into focus.
Took long enough.
Seems like it took just long enough.
The cold air draws the skin tight against my body, and the wind carries with it the scent of air that stood dry for too long. It smells warm.
It will be Halloween. Then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas, but before that, I am going to see home again.
It's such a strange word, in a strange world, and I've been looking for it for longer than I should. It bares teeth, deep down in my soul, and I would fight to keep it alive. I don't now think that I would fit into the shape I held when I was near it. My body is swolen, soaked with a foriegn rain. My actions have accents that are drawn more from love than clarity. Will home take me back? Does love endure all things? Will the prophet find honor in his own town? Have I been struck by something otherworldly, and if she smiles back, should I chase her?
Come away with me.
I came into this world limping so that I could earn the right to run.
26.9.11
Jeju Day 9: Till It's Done
Literally nothing happened these last 2 days. I tried to rest, and my foot didn't get any better. 미영 called me today, and we went to a place called the "Oriental Medicine Clinic," to give accupuncture a try. The first thing that surprised me is that this procedure is covered by my insurance. I guess that shows how little stock I put in the process.
The doctor came in and touched my wrists briefly. He told me that my injuries were not serious. I told him that it was my foot that was injured. He looked at me like I had just said the dumbest thing in the world. 미영 says that these doctors can tell the health of your entire body just by squeesing your wrists. I rolled my eyes at her pretty hard as I watched this guy poke 2 needles in my hand.
OW! 발이야!(It's my foot.)
I said this a few times, but he didn't dignify my stupidity with a response. He put one more neede in my arm, then two in my right leg (I injured my left foot) and the 2 more on my left foot, but none in the effected area. He then told me to wait for 10 minutes. It was like seeing a real doctor, except that I didn't believe a word he said. They put some weird goo on my foot and sent me home.
After my medical excursion, I got a text message from Cassie, telling me that she and Adean were going to get Indian food, and did I want to come? I wasn't instantly keen on the idea of going out, but I've really got to soak up the time I've got left with these two. I only have a few weeks until they go back to their respectve countries. We enjoyed some 메이블토스트 (toast with cream and syrup) and griped about work for a bit (even though I just got back from vacation, I try to save a few things for emergency gripe purposes). I feel like these two are family, and I've only known them for a year. I'll miss them lots, though both of them are for sure tired of Korea, and need to go home before either of them infects me with home sickness. I still have things to do here.
So there it was.
An adventure.
Confronting my past and using my present to make sense of my future. I often call myself "Lonely Bear," but I'm starting to realize that I've never really had to be alone. Maybe in a strange way, I chose to be alone for this brief time to better understand myself. What good is all this information if there is no one to share it with?
So, to you o' loyal reader(s?), I confess. I am not an artist or a visionary. I'm just some crazy kid who thinks in pictures, watches too many movies, and hears voices in his head. What I have heard and seen, I now relate to you. May it help you to grow, as I myself need desperately to grow up. Thank you for being here to wintness my first awkward steps in that direction. Speaking of awkward steps, I'll be damned if my foot isn't feling better already.
Accupuncture.
go fugure.
That's life for you. You never, ever, know what's going to do it 'till it's done. That's how long I plan to keep telling the story. Stop by again sometime.
The doctor came in and touched my wrists briefly. He told me that my injuries were not serious. I told him that it was my foot that was injured. He looked at me like I had just said the dumbest thing in the world. 미영 says that these doctors can tell the health of your entire body just by squeesing your wrists. I rolled my eyes at her pretty hard as I watched this guy poke 2 needles in my hand.
OW! 발이야!(It's my foot.)
I said this a few times, but he didn't dignify my stupidity with a response. He put one more neede in my arm, then two in my right leg (I injured my left foot) and the 2 more on my left foot, but none in the effected area. He then told me to wait for 10 minutes. It was like seeing a real doctor, except that I didn't believe a word he said. They put some weird goo on my foot and sent me home.
After my medical excursion, I got a text message from Cassie, telling me that she and Adean were going to get Indian food, and did I want to come? I wasn't instantly keen on the idea of going out, but I've really got to soak up the time I've got left with these two. I only have a few weeks until they go back to their respectve countries. We enjoyed some 메이블토스트 (toast with cream and syrup) and griped about work for a bit (even though I just got back from vacation, I try to save a few things for emergency gripe purposes). I feel like these two are family, and I've only known them for a year. I'll miss them lots, though both of them are for sure tired of Korea, and need to go home before either of them infects me with home sickness. I still have things to do here.
So there it was.
An adventure.
Confronting my past and using my present to make sense of my future. I often call myself "Lonely Bear," but I'm starting to realize that I've never really had to be alone. Maybe in a strange way, I chose to be alone for this brief time to better understand myself. What good is all this information if there is no one to share it with?
So, to you o' loyal reader(s?), I confess. I am not an artist or a visionary. I'm just some crazy kid who thinks in pictures, watches too many movies, and hears voices in his head. What I have heard and seen, I now relate to you. May it help you to grow, as I myself need desperately to grow up. Thank you for being here to wintness my first awkward steps in that direction. Speaking of awkward steps, I'll be damned if my foot isn't feling better already.
Accupuncture.
go fugure.
That's life for you. You never, ever, know what's going to do it 'till it's done. That's how long I plan to keep telling the story. Stop by again sometime.
25.9.11
Jeju Day 7: Doctor, Doctor
Feels great to wake up in my home, on a real bed, in a place where I can listen to music and use a computer. I didn't realize how much I missed my guitar either. I should play more often.
I decided not to go on the internet until the official "end" of my vacation, which is Friday. The idea feels pretty good I wait a few hours before calling my co-worker, 미영(MiYoung) to see if she can help me find a doctor's office. I always forget that her name is listed as "cleo" in my phone. I never call her that.
I'm starting to lose confidence in adults as I become closer to becoming one. Doctors, for instance. The doctor that 미영 and I went to. They took x-rays, shocked my foot with electrcity, and wrapped it in a hot bag for half an hour, then gave me pills and told me not to walk around a lot for the next 2 days.
미영 says that accupuncture is better.
Who knows, maybe it is?
All I'm starting to think is that no one really knows anything. Everything depends on what kind of documentation you have. That's what gives you the right to guess about things. Maybe I don't really know as little as I thought, compared to everyone else. I'm going to get some rest.
Maybe soon, I'll get to write about what accupuncture is like.
I decided not to go on the internet until the official "end" of my vacation, which is Friday. The idea feels pretty good I wait a few hours before calling my co-worker, 미영(MiYoung) to see if she can help me find a doctor's office. I always forget that her name is listed as "cleo" in my phone. I never call her that.
I'm starting to lose confidence in adults as I become closer to becoming one. Doctors, for instance. The doctor that 미영 and I went to. They took x-rays, shocked my foot with electrcity, and wrapped it in a hot bag for half an hour, then gave me pills and told me not to walk around a lot for the next 2 days.
미영 says that accupuncture is better.
Who knows, maybe it is?
All I'm starting to think is that no one really knows anything. Everything depends on what kind of documentation you have. That's what gives you the right to guess about things. Maybe I don't really know as little as I thought, compared to everyone else. I'm going to get some rest.
Maybe soon, I'll get to write about what accupuncture is like.
Jeju Day 6: Go
Well, this is it.
An abrupt end.
I woke up this morning with an entire body ready for an adventure except my foot. This pain has been constant for the last two days. It has even increased a little. Something is not right. Time to go back and see a doctor. I won't call this the end of an adventure. I still have to find out what's wrong with my foot.
The boat to Mokpo is the same boat I took to Jeju, but I never really took the time to describe it. All of the economy class is just a collection of giant mats. There are two in the room I was put in. They can hold about 50 people each, and they are about at capacity. It's like a giant picnic in the park. Everyone just picks a spot where they can put their stuff and squats down. The ground around each mat is littered with shoes upon shoes upon shoes.
I think I am going to take a nap.
Later, on my way outside to get some fresh air, I ran into a Korean boy. "ran into" is a funny way of putting it, because I think he was following me. He kept smiling and waving. We had a conversation consisting of all the Korean sentences I know. Since that didn't take very long, we decided to just stare out at the ocean, and he kept laughing the whole time, as though life were only a joke, as if miscommunication were only in our heads. It's so good to be quiet with someone, even if it's someone you don't know very well. I drew a picture of his face. He wrote "100%" underneath it.
There's something, something unnameable about the experience of communication without words. About growing close to a stranger while looking out at a great big thing in silence. This is what my life should be about. This is what my art should be about. This is the thing that makes life liveable, that makes faith possible. This is the thing that I've got to show someone or I'll just explode. My life is the pursuit of something big and quiet. Something that communicates without speaking. How will words ever really capture it? Maybe it was never meant to be captured.
The taxi driver at Mokpo Ferry picked up another person with me, but when he dropped us off, he charged both of us the individual fee.
Really?
Whatever, I don't speak enough Korean to argue with him, and the other guy paid it like it was no big deal. It was only 2,300 won anyway.
The train station is packed, and a lot of the seats on the train are booked. I had to upgrade to 1st class. Worth it though, because if I had bought my tickets in advance, I would be making a huge financial sacrifice by coming home early. It's annoying the way these little kids take up the seats, laid down or sprawled out on 2 or 3 of them. I may look young and strong, but I have a bad limp, and I need somewhere to sit. I finally gave up and ordered some food in a local restaurant. I ordered a roll of Kimbap. It came with Kimchi and a bowl of fish broth. I had forgotten that it had been almost a week since I've eaten hot food. I didn't realize the joy of something so simple as a fresh prepared roll of kimbap and a bowl of hot broth. Who knows, I might even have some love for kimchi today.
I always eat too quick when I'm supposed to be wasting time. I've now got an hour to kill before my train leaves, and now I must attempt to look either contemplative or digestive. It's pretty much the same thing, since I'm convinced that thinking is something I do to pass the time between meals. Just like vacationing is something we do to fill the work void. Then retirement, grandchildren, and death. Life seems to be a collection of wastings and waitings. All these little things I've built up around myself 'till death due us part. I say this not as a precursor to depression, but as a declaration that I refuse to feel guilty for all the wasted hours I've spent this week, walking and waiting, sitting, sketching voyeuristic pictures of people and their belongings, wondering at their worth.
That's where meaning is found; in what we waste our time on.
God himself took seven days, just to give us things to waste about on. I have an atheist friend who says that it would make more sense if God made everything at once, to prove that he was God. That's not it though. Six days to work, one day to think, and then go back to working, without worrying about thinking for a while. Besides, who would God be proving himself to? Proving yourself is something insecure people do, Like artists who are too busy teaching English in Korea to get any of their projects done, or atheists who have ideas about God. Six days and one for wasting. That's how it is.
I think I just heard the boarding call for my train...
I want to go home really badly. I'm only an hour away. I'm excited to sleep in my bed, to prepare for the new semester, and to figure out what the hell is wrong with my foot. I hope they really find something, instead of just giving me a shot in my ass and 60 pills, which is the Korean medical solution to just about everything. I want x-rays and tests, and at some point, I want an old man in a white coat to poke my foot with a really weird looking tool. I'm American, damn it. That's medicine as I see it.
Got on the train. Happy happy happy to have a window seat this time. I forget too often what a beautiful country this is.
An abrupt end.
I woke up this morning with an entire body ready for an adventure except my foot. This pain has been constant for the last two days. It has even increased a little. Something is not right. Time to go back and see a doctor. I won't call this the end of an adventure. I still have to find out what's wrong with my foot.
The boat to Mokpo is the same boat I took to Jeju, but I never really took the time to describe it. All of the economy class is just a collection of giant mats. There are two in the room I was put in. They can hold about 50 people each, and they are about at capacity. It's like a giant picnic in the park. Everyone just picks a spot where they can put their stuff and squats down. The ground around each mat is littered with shoes upon shoes upon shoes.
I think I am going to take a nap.
Later, on my way outside to get some fresh air, I ran into a Korean boy. "ran into" is a funny way of putting it, because I think he was following me. He kept smiling and waving. We had a conversation consisting of all the Korean sentences I know. Since that didn't take very long, we decided to just stare out at the ocean, and he kept laughing the whole time, as though life were only a joke, as if miscommunication were only in our heads. It's so good to be quiet with someone, even if it's someone you don't know very well. I drew a picture of his face. He wrote "100%" underneath it.
There's something, something unnameable about the experience of communication without words. About growing close to a stranger while looking out at a great big thing in silence. This is what my life should be about. This is what my art should be about. This is the thing that makes life liveable, that makes faith possible. This is the thing that I've got to show someone or I'll just explode. My life is the pursuit of something big and quiet. Something that communicates without speaking. How will words ever really capture it? Maybe it was never meant to be captured.
The taxi driver at Mokpo Ferry picked up another person with me, but when he dropped us off, he charged both of us the individual fee.
Really?
Whatever, I don't speak enough Korean to argue with him, and the other guy paid it like it was no big deal. It was only 2,300 won anyway.
The train station is packed, and a lot of the seats on the train are booked. I had to upgrade to 1st class. Worth it though, because if I had bought my tickets in advance, I would be making a huge financial sacrifice by coming home early. It's annoying the way these little kids take up the seats, laid down or sprawled out on 2 or 3 of them. I may look young and strong, but I have a bad limp, and I need somewhere to sit. I finally gave up and ordered some food in a local restaurant. I ordered a roll of Kimbap. It came with Kimchi and a bowl of fish broth. I had forgotten that it had been almost a week since I've eaten hot food. I didn't realize the joy of something so simple as a fresh prepared roll of kimbap and a bowl of hot broth. Who knows, I might even have some love for kimchi today.
I always eat too quick when I'm supposed to be wasting time. I've now got an hour to kill before my train leaves, and now I must attempt to look either contemplative or digestive. It's pretty much the same thing, since I'm convinced that thinking is something I do to pass the time between meals. Just like vacationing is something we do to fill the work void. Then retirement, grandchildren, and death. Life seems to be a collection of wastings and waitings. All these little things I've built up around myself 'till death due us part. I say this not as a precursor to depression, but as a declaration that I refuse to feel guilty for all the wasted hours I've spent this week, walking and waiting, sitting, sketching voyeuristic pictures of people and their belongings, wondering at their worth.
That's where meaning is found; in what we waste our time on.
God himself took seven days, just to give us things to waste about on. I have an atheist friend who says that it would make more sense if God made everything at once, to prove that he was God. That's not it though. Six days to work, one day to think, and then go back to working, without worrying about thinking for a while. Besides, who would God be proving himself to? Proving yourself is something insecure people do, Like artists who are too busy teaching English in Korea to get any of their projects done, or atheists who have ideas about God. Six days and one for wasting. That's how it is.
I think I just heard the boarding call for my train...
I want to go home really badly. I'm only an hour away. I'm excited to sleep in my bed, to prepare for the new semester, and to figure out what the hell is wrong with my foot. I hope they really find something, instead of just giving me a shot in my ass and 60 pills, which is the Korean medical solution to just about everything. I want x-rays and tests, and at some point, I want an old man in a white coat to poke my foot with a really weird looking tool. I'm American, damn it. That's medicine as I see it.
Got on the train. Happy happy happy to have a window seat this time. I forget too often what a beautiful country this is.
21.9.11
Jeju Day 5: Stay
Jjimjilbang, sweet jjimjilbang! I'm really starting to get used to this place. I woke up this morning relatively unsore, except for my left foot, which is starting to develop a sort of limp. My biggest concern is that one day, it will just explode, and then what will I use to walk on? It gets easer to move around as time goes by, because I've been eating my snacks, and that makes everything lighter. think I'm also getting used to sleeping light and travelling all day. I think I'll go to the local E-Mart and buy something to put in my shoes, just to be safe.
I think I'm starting to understand what this trip is all about, but I still have a few more days before I reach my conclusion.
E-Mart doesn't open for another hour, so I'm just going to wait here. Again, I don't realy have any place that I need to be. It's sort of amusing to watch all the people walk by, try the door, look at the business hours sign, then walk away frustrated. I guess I'm not the only one who thought they would be open earlier.
Today, I think I will go to the opposite side of the island. There should be a traditional village over there, and onward to what looks like a big city, where I should be able to find some place to sleep. I think this trip is going to be solidly successful, despite life's best efforts to keep me down.
Update: So, after thinking about it for a while, I've decided to take it easy and stay in the city for today. I really don't like the way my foot is acting up, and I only have three more places I want to see.
no rush.
take your time.
I feel like I keep telling myself that, or hearing it from... somewhere. What's a vacation if you don't relax, anyway?
I found a local tea shop and ordered a 녹차 (green tea) so that I could sit and let the heat of the day pass a bit. The lady that works here gave me my tea which, judging by the consistency, was probably made with instant powder. The joke's on her though, 'cause I'm mostly here to loiter.
There's a man sitting here wearing the traditional clothing of Jeju. Forget what it's called, but it's supposed to be really nice. They dye it with persimmons, and it usually comes out in a light red and dark mud red color. He looks comfortable as hell. I'm a little jealous of his getup. I've buried myself from collar to cuff in sweat. Maybe I should figure out his secrets?
It's actually been quite difficult to stay off my feet. I have places that I want to go, but my body is telling me not to go yet. It's also kind of difficult to find places to hang out without constantly spending money. The sun is brutal today. Outside is miserable. What else is there to do? I just have to wait for healing.
I bought some apples from the grocery store. Daegu is famous for apples. I am of the opinion that Daegu apples could own Jeju apples any day of the week. I'm kind of excited about the idea of going home. I usually feel this way by about day 5 of whatever vacation I'm on. I'm pretty sure this is day 5.
I've got to say though, it's interesting not having access to my usual time wasters (aka the internet et. al.). That's what they all are, aren't they? I think I could pretty much spend my entire life on wasting and never know that I wasn't busy. It's kind of nice to leave space for boredom. A brief waltz with a yawn and a tumbling scratch of the head perhaps? That would be cool. I should chuck my computer (maybe just my modem?) out the window when I get home. I just might save my own life. If I'm not careful, it just might become a life worth saving.
I've decided that if my foot isn't better by tomorrow, I will go home. I've seen a lot here. If it turns out to be enough, I'll go home. If not, then I'd love to keep exploring.
I think I'm starting to understand what this trip is all about, but I still have a few more days before I reach my conclusion.
E-Mart doesn't open for another hour, so I'm just going to wait here. Again, I don't realy have any place that I need to be. It's sort of amusing to watch all the people walk by, try the door, look at the business hours sign, then walk away frustrated. I guess I'm not the only one who thought they would be open earlier.
Today, I think I will go to the opposite side of the island. There should be a traditional village over there, and onward to what looks like a big city, where I should be able to find some place to sleep. I think this trip is going to be solidly successful, despite life's best efforts to keep me down.
Update: So, after thinking about it for a while, I've decided to take it easy and stay in the city for today. I really don't like the way my foot is acting up, and I only have three more places I want to see.
no rush.
take your time.
I feel like I keep telling myself that, or hearing it from... somewhere. What's a vacation if you don't relax, anyway?
I found a local tea shop and ordered a 녹차 (green tea) so that I could sit and let the heat of the day pass a bit. The lady that works here gave me my tea which, judging by the consistency, was probably made with instant powder. The joke's on her though, 'cause I'm mostly here to loiter.
There's a man sitting here wearing the traditional clothing of Jeju. Forget what it's called, but it's supposed to be really nice. They dye it with persimmons, and it usually comes out in a light red and dark mud red color. He looks comfortable as hell. I'm a little jealous of his getup. I've buried myself from collar to cuff in sweat. Maybe I should figure out his secrets?
It's actually been quite difficult to stay off my feet. I have places that I want to go, but my body is telling me not to go yet. It's also kind of difficult to find places to hang out without constantly spending money. The sun is brutal today. Outside is miserable. What else is there to do? I just have to wait for healing.
I bought some apples from the grocery store. Daegu is famous for apples. I am of the opinion that Daegu apples could own Jeju apples any day of the week. I'm kind of excited about the idea of going home. I usually feel this way by about day 5 of whatever vacation I'm on. I'm pretty sure this is day 5.
I've got to say though, it's interesting not having access to my usual time wasters (aka the internet et. al.). That's what they all are, aren't they? I think I could pretty much spend my entire life on wasting and never know that I wasn't busy. It's kind of nice to leave space for boredom. A brief waltz with a yawn and a tumbling scratch of the head perhaps? That would be cool. I should chuck my computer (maybe just my modem?) out the window when I get home. I just might save my own life. If I'm not careful, it just might become a life worth saving.
I've decided that if my foot isn't better by tomorrow, I will go home. I've seen a lot here. If it turns out to be enough, I'll go home. If not, then I'd love to keep exploring.
10.9.11
Jeju Day 4: Like Licorice
I decided to take it easy on my body today and try to make up for lost time by taking a bus. I had wanted to hike the whole way, but I've never been a very stubborn person, and I have no need to be stubborn with my body. A change in plans is much better than a bad injury. Seriously, though, after last night, I have travelled nowhere, and my clothes are all damp and smell like the ocean (see yesterday). I honestly want to give up, but I've decided to be hopeful that today will be better.
Is it just me, or did the attendant at that convenience store really look like Korean John Denver? I guess it is just me. That's the point.
Some super sweet Ajuhmas (old ladies) helped me find the right bus. for about 3,000 won I can travel as far as I need, and I'm pretty sure I can get there pretty fast. Today starts out fortunate. I don't know where it will go from here, but I'm determined to be like licorice... sweet and flexible. I pray the rest works out.
Seriously though, how does anyone travel in a country where they don't speak the language? I can kind of speak, and I am so lost and confused all the time. I don't know how these rich, yuppie, world-travelling types do it.
I arrived at my first destination and walked about 2km (somewhere near a mile?) to the Haenyeo museum. Haenyeo are this group of divers that only live on Jeju. They are all women, which is pretty cool, and they can all hold their breath for over 2 minutes because they dive underwater without a breathing apparatus, which is awesome. I'm going to take a rest here before continuing on. I think it's around noon, but I have no way of knowing. I'm just going to lay my damp clothes out in the sun and see if I can dry them, and then I'll check out the museum and see what I can learn about the Haenyeo. After this, I am going to see if I can find Manjanggeul, the lava caves. That seems like a pretty sweet way to finish out the day. I hope I can find a Jjimjilbang somewhere near where I end up tonight. How brave of me, to hope.
I had to take a looong walk to find a proper bus stop. I wasn't really sure if it was the right one, so I asked the bus driver.
이버스, 만장글 에가요?
아니요, he waved his hand at me. 만장글 입구, and then he drove off.
입구? 입구...I'm trying to remember what that means. Well, 구 means 9, so maybe I'm looking for bus number 9? 입9? 입 means mouth. Somehow that word seems familiar, like I should know it...입구?
Whatever.
I'm just going to get on the next bus I see.
It was when the next bus came that I remembered 입구: entrance. I could kick myself, but I'd rather kick the bus driver. Of course I wanted to go to the entrance. Did he really think I wanted to know if the bus was driving into the cave? Seriously, people.
Once on the bus, I am extremely aware of my smell. I suspect that the gentleman to my right feels the same way. I wish I could care more, but I really don't.
Onward.
I was a bit dissapointed by the lava caves. Maybe I'm jaded, or maybe I'm just a little bit too sore, but I wasn't really into it, and the rocky bottom made my feet sore. Not to mention the smell. If this cab drver is a worthy employee, he's gonna Fabreeze the hell out of this cab as soon as I leave. I have an overpowering smell right now.
Instead of braving the risk of homelessness tonight (since I found a bus that will take me back into the city for about 2,000 won), I have decided to find the Jjimjilbang I stayed at last night. I noticed this morning that they had a laundry facility that I'd love to take advantage of.
Waiting for the bus, I met a vacationing couple from Tennissee. We had a pretty good little chat before the bus came. I came to this island for silence and solitude, yet somehow I keep running into other people.
hmmm....
Is it just me, or did the attendant at that convenience store really look like Korean John Denver? I guess it is just me. That's the point.
Some super sweet Ajuhmas (old ladies) helped me find the right bus. for about 3,000 won I can travel as far as I need, and I'm pretty sure I can get there pretty fast. Today starts out fortunate. I don't know where it will go from here, but I'm determined to be like licorice... sweet and flexible. I pray the rest works out.
Seriously though, how does anyone travel in a country where they don't speak the language? I can kind of speak, and I am so lost and confused all the time. I don't know how these rich, yuppie, world-travelling types do it.
I arrived at my first destination and walked about 2km (somewhere near a mile?) to the Haenyeo museum. Haenyeo are this group of divers that only live on Jeju. They are all women, which is pretty cool, and they can all hold their breath for over 2 minutes because they dive underwater without a breathing apparatus, which is awesome. I'm going to take a rest here before continuing on. I think it's around noon, but I have no way of knowing. I'm just going to lay my damp clothes out in the sun and see if I can dry them, and then I'll check out the museum and see what I can learn about the Haenyeo. After this, I am going to see if I can find Manjanggeul, the lava caves. That seems like a pretty sweet way to finish out the day. I hope I can find a Jjimjilbang somewhere near where I end up tonight. How brave of me, to hope.
I had to take a looong walk to find a proper bus stop. I wasn't really sure if it was the right one, so I asked the bus driver.
이버스, 만장글 에가요?
아니요, he waved his hand at me. 만장글 입구, and then he drove off.
입구? 입구...I'm trying to remember what that means. Well, 구 means 9, so maybe I'm looking for bus number 9? 입9? 입 means mouth. Somehow that word seems familiar, like I should know it...입구?
Whatever.
I'm just going to get on the next bus I see.
It was when the next bus came that I remembered 입구: entrance. I could kick myself, but I'd rather kick the bus driver. Of course I wanted to go to the entrance. Did he really think I wanted to know if the bus was driving into the cave? Seriously, people.
Once on the bus, I am extremely aware of my smell. I suspect that the gentleman to my right feels the same way. I wish I could care more, but I really don't.
Onward.
I was a bit dissapointed by the lava caves. Maybe I'm jaded, or maybe I'm just a little bit too sore, but I wasn't really into it, and the rocky bottom made my feet sore. Not to mention the smell. If this cab drver is a worthy employee, he's gonna Fabreeze the hell out of this cab as soon as I leave. I have an overpowering smell right now.
Instead of braving the risk of homelessness tonight (since I found a bus that will take me back into the city for about 2,000 won), I have decided to find the Jjimjilbang I stayed at last night. I noticed this morning that they had a laundry facility that I'd love to take advantage of.
Waiting for the bus, I met a vacationing couple from Tennissee. We had a pretty good little chat before the bus came. I came to this island for silence and solitude, yet somehow I keep running into other people.
hmmm....
8.9.11
Jeju Day 3: Commemorate
I think I am finally getting over my inability to sleep on the floor. I'm excited about that. It means I'm ready to become super Korean this week.
I find that I can also look at myself in the mirror without all that self-loathing I used to feel. I'm just...me. For better or for worse. I'm excited about that too.
Today, I start hiking. I've got a beach to get to. I'm looking forward to some sun, and perhaps a big rock to dry my sweaty clothes from yesterday.
I'm starting to realize what a dfficult journey this is going to be. I'm not being metaphorical at all. It's faaaaaar, and I'm really not good at reading maps. I think this island is like most islands, in that its road system is a little inefficient, swerving, turning into an alley, or completely dissappearing. Originally, my plan was to follow the coast and use the ocean as my guide, but I'm finding that a lot of the coast is blocked to foot traffic.
Further inland, I found a hiking trail that seemed to go in a direction that I liked, so I took it. I'm so glad I did, because this is the Jeju I really wanted to see. Everything was green and the mountain air was cool. At a rest stop, I met these two Ajuhshis who spoke pretty good English. It wasn't perfect, but between their English and my Korean, we got along pretty well. One of these guys was an English teacher before retiring. The other one was a retired police officer, who was fully the Korean Matlock. Looked like him and everything. We arm wrestled, so that pretty much means we'll be friends forever, cause, well, that's just how it works. The two of them had a bunch of really awesome and hilarious questions for me. Sample:
Are you married?
No.
No girlfriend?
No.
What about Korean girls. Pretty?
Yeah.
Commemorate.
What?
You have been in Korea one year. Commemorate by marry with Korean girl.
I hated to leave those guys but I have places to get to today, and I think time is running out (though I don't know what time it is). I found the shore again, and I'm walking along, sweating buckets. Don't really care though, because no one can see me.
The trail led me to a more central part of the island. I probably should be freaking out a little bit, 'cause I can't see the coast right now, but it's hard to be woried when everything is so beautiful. I'm looking for a beach that Alex said was awesome, so I'm just going to keep walking until my mind is blown. So far, it's looking pretty promising, but it's starting to rain. I fear the ink in my pen will run. I must continue on.
The rain ended up being a bit more intense than I'd counted on. I took shelter at a nearby bus stop. It doesn't look like a lot of buses come through here. Oh well, that's life, I guess. When it starts raining, and you planned to hike all day, what do you do? I'm just glad I brought a towel and my gigantic ugly/awesome hat. Just gotta wait till it stops raining. Sometimes I think it's going to stop and it just gets moe intense. That's life. Just try to get somewhere safe, and wait until it stops. A Korean guy with a car drove by and signaled for me to get in. I said thank you and waved him on. There's realy nowhere I have plans to be right now.
It's crazy how a bad situation seems like it's going to last forever, then all of a sudden, the sky opens up and everything is as beautiful as ever it was. Pressing on.
Guys, I really need to learn how to use a map. I have an awesome one, too. Alex found it for me before we parted ways. I was shocked when I learned where I really was. Waaaay off course. I wonder, why do I always wait so long before consulting a guide? Especially when there's one available whenever I need?
Oh well. Sort of makes me laugh, I guess.
My skin is leaking.
All these clouds and not one ounce of shade. I found an exercize area off to the side of the road in some regon of the sland called 신천(Shincheon). There's a tarped gazeebo-type construction in the corner that has a floor of concrete with pebbles imbedded in it. The Koreans believe that walking barefot on these pebbles is good for your health. I've never put much stock in that, but today they realy felt good on my sore feet. Felt pretty good on my back, too.
I can hear chickens in the background as I doze off. I dreamed about home. Chasing chickens around the property with Jon, sharpened sticks in our hands, like mighty warriors of an unknown tribe. Dreaming is the only open door to that version of home these days.
The beach is, in a word, disappointing. Maybe I'm just cranky, but I'm sore, hot, sweaty, and I now have sand sticking to me? My inner thighs are pretty chaffed too. I'm not used to walking this much. I think this is where I'm calling it a night. The beach sounds like it's raining, but I don't hear any raindrops. It seems like the ocean is drawing water from the shore, and the suction is making a sound like raindrops and putting little dimples in the sand. Weird. I'm going to have to fact-check that with one of my more scientifically inclined friends.
In the meantime, I see a strange shape in the clouds that looks like a weird goat-man thing. I'm getting out my sketchbook, because I think this guy is going to be important later. I have no idea why. My body is so sore. I want to give up already, after my first real day of hiking. Not going to though. Gonna finish. I'm already behind. Gonna finish.
Epilogue: (didn't think I'd be writing anymore today, but...) After an incident of high tide (from behind me, somehow) that left me soaking wet with most of my cothes also quite damp, I gave up on finding a Jjimjilbang in the tiny beach town I landed in, so I hailed a cab. The cab driver told me that the nearest Jjimjilbang was 15 minutes away. He then proceded to drive me right back the way I came, to right next to the Jjimjilbang I stayed at the night before. In 15 minutes. Huge blow to my self esteem, as well as a huge step backwards in my plans. I am currently about 5 minutes from the boat dock where I arrived, sore, a little burnt, and I have rashes in places I can't show, for reasons of both propriety and physics.
Now I have to decide which is more important: seeing everything I wanted to see or walking as far as I can around the island. At this point, I don't see how I can do both. I guess I'll see how I feel in the morning.
Found a massage chair in the Jjimjilbang that pounded out a Strauss medley on my back for about 1,000원. Almost gave me a nosebleed, it was so intense. I'll bet something like this would be illegal in my country.
I find that I can also look at myself in the mirror without all that self-loathing I used to feel. I'm just...me. For better or for worse. I'm excited about that too.
Today, I start hiking. I've got a beach to get to. I'm looking forward to some sun, and perhaps a big rock to dry my sweaty clothes from yesterday.
I'm starting to realize what a dfficult journey this is going to be. I'm not being metaphorical at all. It's faaaaaar, and I'm really not good at reading maps. I think this island is like most islands, in that its road system is a little inefficient, swerving, turning into an alley, or completely dissappearing. Originally, my plan was to follow the coast and use the ocean as my guide, but I'm finding that a lot of the coast is blocked to foot traffic.
Further inland, I found a hiking trail that seemed to go in a direction that I liked, so I took it. I'm so glad I did, because this is the Jeju I really wanted to see. Everything was green and the mountain air was cool. At a rest stop, I met these two Ajuhshis who spoke pretty good English. It wasn't perfect, but between their English and my Korean, we got along pretty well. One of these guys was an English teacher before retiring. The other one was a retired police officer, who was fully the Korean Matlock. Looked like him and everything. We arm wrestled, so that pretty much means we'll be friends forever, cause, well, that's just how it works. The two of them had a bunch of really awesome and hilarious questions for me. Sample:
Are you married?
No.
No girlfriend?
No.
What about Korean girls. Pretty?
Yeah.
Commemorate.
What?
You have been in Korea one year. Commemorate by marry with Korean girl.
I hated to leave those guys but I have places to get to today, and I think time is running out (though I don't know what time it is). I found the shore again, and I'm walking along, sweating buckets. Don't really care though, because no one can see me.
The trail led me to a more central part of the island. I probably should be freaking out a little bit, 'cause I can't see the coast right now, but it's hard to be woried when everything is so beautiful. I'm looking for a beach that Alex said was awesome, so I'm just going to keep walking until my mind is blown. So far, it's looking pretty promising, but it's starting to rain. I fear the ink in my pen will run. I must continue on.
The rain ended up being a bit more intense than I'd counted on. I took shelter at a nearby bus stop. It doesn't look like a lot of buses come through here. Oh well, that's life, I guess. When it starts raining, and you planned to hike all day, what do you do? I'm just glad I brought a towel and my gigantic ugly/awesome hat. Just gotta wait till it stops raining. Sometimes I think it's going to stop and it just gets moe intense. That's life. Just try to get somewhere safe, and wait until it stops. A Korean guy with a car drove by and signaled for me to get in. I said thank you and waved him on. There's realy nowhere I have plans to be right now.
It's crazy how a bad situation seems like it's going to last forever, then all of a sudden, the sky opens up and everything is as beautiful as ever it was. Pressing on.
Guys, I really need to learn how to use a map. I have an awesome one, too. Alex found it for me before we parted ways. I was shocked when I learned where I really was. Waaaay off course. I wonder, why do I always wait so long before consulting a guide? Especially when there's one available whenever I need?
Oh well. Sort of makes me laugh, I guess.
My skin is leaking.
All these clouds and not one ounce of shade. I found an exercize area off to the side of the road in some regon of the sland called 신천(Shincheon). There's a tarped gazeebo-type construction in the corner that has a floor of concrete with pebbles imbedded in it. The Koreans believe that walking barefot on these pebbles is good for your health. I've never put much stock in that, but today they realy felt good on my sore feet. Felt pretty good on my back, too.
I can hear chickens in the background as I doze off. I dreamed about home. Chasing chickens around the property with Jon, sharpened sticks in our hands, like mighty warriors of an unknown tribe. Dreaming is the only open door to that version of home these days.
The beach is, in a word, disappointing. Maybe I'm just cranky, but I'm sore, hot, sweaty, and I now have sand sticking to me? My inner thighs are pretty chaffed too. I'm not used to walking this much. I think this is where I'm calling it a night. The beach sounds like it's raining, but I don't hear any raindrops. It seems like the ocean is drawing water from the shore, and the suction is making a sound like raindrops and putting little dimples in the sand. Weird. I'm going to have to fact-check that with one of my more scientifically inclined friends.
In the meantime, I see a strange shape in the clouds that looks like a weird goat-man thing. I'm getting out my sketchbook, because I think this guy is going to be important later. I have no idea why. My body is so sore. I want to give up already, after my first real day of hiking. Not going to though. Gonna finish. I'm already behind. Gonna finish.
Epilogue: (didn't think I'd be writing anymore today, but...) After an incident of high tide (from behind me, somehow) that left me soaking wet with most of my cothes also quite damp, I gave up on finding a Jjimjilbang in the tiny beach town I landed in, so I hailed a cab. The cab driver told me that the nearest Jjimjilbang was 15 minutes away. He then proceded to drive me right back the way I came, to right next to the Jjimjilbang I stayed at the night before. In 15 minutes. Huge blow to my self esteem, as well as a huge step backwards in my plans. I am currently about 5 minutes from the boat dock where I arrived, sore, a little burnt, and I have rashes in places I can't show, for reasons of both propriety and physics.
Now I have to decide which is more important: seeing everything I wanted to see or walking as far as I can around the island. At this point, I don't see how I can do both. I guess I'll see how I feel in the morning.
Found a massage chair in the Jjimjilbang that pounded out a Strauss medley on my back for about 1,000원. Almost gave me a nosebleed, it was so intense. I'll bet something like this would be illegal in my country.
7.9.11
Jeju Day 2: Mokpo and a Boat
Woke up more than once today. I expect I should be heading out to the train soon, but every time I wake up, it's too early and its pouring rain outside. I keep thinking it's going to let up at some point, but I can't keep waiting around for perfect weather. Sometimes you've just got to get out.
Time for an adventure.
I was a 5 minute walk from Seoul Station. When I got there, I saw the news reports from all around Seoul of all the places that were flooded. It looked pretty bad. Seems like the world is falling apart. "Why fall apart with it?," as a good friend once asked me. She's a lot smarter than she thinks. Maybe its because we forget and start to think that we are the world.
We're not. We just live here. I got on the train.
A dreary, dismal day, for the most part, but as we gradually made our way south, the sky began to open up, and the clouds began to break. "today is tomorrow," as Bill Murray said in Groundhog Days.
I've always loved that movie. Reminds me that I should be grateful that even through the darkest nights, morning comes with great regularity.
I met a guy on the boat to Jeju named Alex. He's returning to Jeju after his vacation on the mainland. Seems like a looking-glass experience. He says he knows of a decent Mexican fod place in the main city. I'm trying not to eat anything but really simple foods and spend lots of time in solitude this vacation, but I keep remembering this scripture about thee being a season for everything. Plus, I probably owe him for talking his ear off about everything from child slavery to comic books for the last 3 hours.
At another Jjimjilbang. I had to take a cab there, because I couldn't find one by wandering around, as was my original plan. I am reflecting on my day. Didn't start how I planned. Didn't end how I planed either, but I'm still alive and I'm doing my best. I guess I'm better at living than at planning, and tomorrow is another day. It's time to start looking forward to all the tomorrows I have ahead. This time, I brought a map.
Time for an adventure.
I was a 5 minute walk from Seoul Station. When I got there, I saw the news reports from all around Seoul of all the places that were flooded. It looked pretty bad. Seems like the world is falling apart. "Why fall apart with it?," as a good friend once asked me. She's a lot smarter than she thinks. Maybe its because we forget and start to think that we are the world.
We're not. We just live here. I got on the train.
A dreary, dismal day, for the most part, but as we gradually made our way south, the sky began to open up, and the clouds began to break. "today is tomorrow," as Bill Murray said in Groundhog Days.
I've always loved that movie. Reminds me that I should be grateful that even through the darkest nights, morning comes with great regularity.
I met a guy on the boat to Jeju named Alex. He's returning to Jeju after his vacation on the mainland. Seems like a looking-glass experience. He says he knows of a decent Mexican fod place in the main city. I'm trying not to eat anything but really simple foods and spend lots of time in solitude this vacation, but I keep remembering this scripture about thee being a season for everything. Plus, I probably owe him for talking his ear off about everything from child slavery to comic books for the last 3 hours.
At another Jjimjilbang. I had to take a cab there, because I couldn't find one by wandering around, as was my original plan. I am reflecting on my day. Didn't start how I planned. Didn't end how I planed either, but I'm still alive and I'm doing my best. I guess I'm better at living than at planning, and tomorrow is another day. It's time to start looking forward to all the tomorrows I have ahead. This time, I brought a map.
6.9.11
Jeju Day 1:Seoul
Got on the train, not too early this morning and headed to Seoul. That expression "headed" strikes me as funny now.
I guess the question it makes me ask is "what does my head have to do with my direction?" I'm sure that's a really stupid question.
Someday, maybe my head will be facing the same direction that I'm going. I'll get there fast. Until then, it's nice to have it turned slightly to the side. You can see a the things you're going past a lot better. It's a beautiful view, especialy since you're leaving it.
Since arriving at Seoul Station, I have been thinking a lot about my past. Probably because I plan to confront my past on Jeju. Probably also because I'll be seeing two important caracters from that part of my life today. Two of my old Youth Group students. I call them this not because they're old (neither of tem is yet 16, if I'm not mistaken) but because I felt like such an old man those years ago. It's not them, it's me. It's always been me.
I stopped at a coffee shop after much wandering. Actually, I stopped at a Cold Stone and ordered coffee. I just realized that I was specifically loking for western places. Is that because I'm on vacation? Do I somehow realize that I don't belong here, or did I stop wanting to?
I wonder if the other people in Cold Stone spend as much time thinking about themselves as I do.
I hope not. How would they get anything done?
People have families by the time they are my age, you know? They are responsble for another human life and they get to have sex regularly. I know for sure that I'm not ready for that.
Children, I mean.
What an insane responsibility to have someone completely dependant on you. What a frightening thing.
Gotta grow up. Gotta learn not to be afraid. Gotta remember that there already are people who depend on me. I'm going to meet two of them now.
First up is a guy who seemed like nothing but trouble. I used to think that he caused a lot of distractions, and then I realized he was trying to get my attention. He started out as a pest. I cried the day he left for Korea. Not a lot of things make me cry (despite rumors to the contrary) but I thought I would never see him again. Now we're going to spend a lazy (and apparently rainy) afternoon in Seoul. We are going to Taco Bell, another place I never thought I would be grateful to see. I am wating for him at the subway station.
Waiting is good. We can only be as grateful as the time we spend in waiting, and I've been saving up patience for something good.
Next up is a sad story of the things a teenage girls' mind can do to her without her permission. My other student. She's in trouble. She knows that she is, but thinks it's too late to save her. It's been a while since I've talked to someone who was so utterly convinced that they were worthless and all alone. The last person was me. She gets used by guys and thinks she deserves it. She's happy baecause she doesn't feel anything for them. It's times like these that I'm glad I'm stupid enough to believe in miracles.
We walked down the street, past the sidewalk corners piled high wth garbage. "My life is kind of garbage right now," she said with a laugh. What else can I do but stupidly hope for a miracle? No amount of arguing or pleading can convince a broken heart to heal itself. If there's anything I've learned recently it's that some lessons have to be learned the hard way. The miracle is if she fgures it out before any permanent damage is done.
Turned in at a Jjimjilbang(Korean bath house)near the station. Don't think I'll sleep much though. I've got an early morning and a lot on my mind.
They call life "the grand narative," something along the lines of a really important story. Sometimes I wish I could skip ahead to the end. I hope it turns out alright.
I guess the question it makes me ask is "what does my head have to do with my direction?" I'm sure that's a really stupid question.
Someday, maybe my head will be facing the same direction that I'm going. I'll get there fast. Until then, it's nice to have it turned slightly to the side. You can see a the things you're going past a lot better. It's a beautiful view, especialy since you're leaving it.
Since arriving at Seoul Station, I have been thinking a lot about my past. Probably because I plan to confront my past on Jeju. Probably also because I'll be seeing two important caracters from that part of my life today. Two of my old Youth Group students. I call them this not because they're old (neither of tem is yet 16, if I'm not mistaken) but because I felt like such an old man those years ago. It's not them, it's me. It's always been me.
I stopped at a coffee shop after much wandering. Actually, I stopped at a Cold Stone and ordered coffee. I just realized that I was specifically loking for western places. Is that because I'm on vacation? Do I somehow realize that I don't belong here, or did I stop wanting to?
I wonder if the other people in Cold Stone spend as much time thinking about themselves as I do.
I hope not. How would they get anything done?
People have families by the time they are my age, you know? They are responsble for another human life and they get to have sex regularly. I know for sure that I'm not ready for that.
Children, I mean.
What an insane responsibility to have someone completely dependant on you. What a frightening thing.
Gotta grow up. Gotta learn not to be afraid. Gotta remember that there already are people who depend on me. I'm going to meet two of them now.
First up is a guy who seemed like nothing but trouble. I used to think that he caused a lot of distractions, and then I realized he was trying to get my attention. He started out as a pest. I cried the day he left for Korea. Not a lot of things make me cry (despite rumors to the contrary) but I thought I would never see him again. Now we're going to spend a lazy (and apparently rainy) afternoon in Seoul. We are going to Taco Bell, another place I never thought I would be grateful to see. I am wating for him at the subway station.
Waiting is good. We can only be as grateful as the time we spend in waiting, and I've been saving up patience for something good.
Next up is a sad story of the things a teenage girls' mind can do to her without her permission. My other student. She's in trouble. She knows that she is, but thinks it's too late to save her. It's been a while since I've talked to someone who was so utterly convinced that they were worthless and all alone. The last person was me. She gets used by guys and thinks she deserves it. She's happy baecause she doesn't feel anything for them. It's times like these that I'm glad I'm stupid enough to believe in miracles.
We walked down the street, past the sidewalk corners piled high wth garbage. "My life is kind of garbage right now," she said with a laugh. What else can I do but stupidly hope for a miracle? No amount of arguing or pleading can convince a broken heart to heal itself. If there's anything I've learned recently it's that some lessons have to be learned the hard way. The miracle is if she fgures it out before any permanent damage is done.
Turned in at a Jjimjilbang(Korean bath house)near the station. Don't think I'll sleep much though. I've got an early morning and a lot on my mind.
They call life "the grand narative," something along the lines of a really important story. Sometimes I wish I could skip ahead to the end. I hope it turns out alright.
21.7.11
Something To Sit On
I've been in Korea for nearly a year now.
I'm trying to think about how much I have been changed by this experience, and to be honest, there's a lot. I still often discover a deep sense of dissapointment with myself and my ability to cope with the life that I have. I'm not too concerned with dissapointment. It's not exactly my first time.
By and large, I've seen me, up close and personal. I find this frightening, baffling, and reassuring at the same time, and I refuse to explain what that means until I figure it out for myself. There's a lot going into me right now, and a lot more that needs to, if I am ever going to become a man.
Good lord, do you hear the way I talk about myself? I need a vacation from me. My changeup needs a changeup.
I want to hear from God. I want the voices in my head again. I can't take a vacation with my friends, and I can't go home this summer (believe me, two circumstances waaay beyond my control)so I guess I am alone.
Alone is a gift, regardless of how I see it. If alone is the gift that I've been given, then I'm going to unwrap it, and play with it for a little while. Maybe even be grateful.
I said maybe.
There's an island a few miles off the coast of South Korea. They call it 제주(Jeju). Women, rocks and horses. They claim to have a lot of those.
I was never much into horses.
Let's just say that I'm going for the rocks. I need something to sit on. I'm going to listen for the mighty wind, and the earth quaking, and the silence after. Especially the silence. I think the silence will take a little bit of time. I have 12 days. They say you can see the whole island in 2 days by car. I wonder how much I can see on foot.
I'm going to walk until I have no more feet. Until they belong to someone else.
I hope that you, oh loyal reader(s?), will stick around. I think that something qhuite interesting will happen this summer.
I'm trying to think about how much I have been changed by this experience, and to be honest, there's a lot. I still often discover a deep sense of dissapointment with myself and my ability to cope with the life that I have. I'm not too concerned with dissapointment. It's not exactly my first time.
By and large, I've seen me, up close and personal. I find this frightening, baffling, and reassuring at the same time, and I refuse to explain what that means until I figure it out for myself. There's a lot going into me right now, and a lot more that needs to, if I am ever going to become a man.
Good lord, do you hear the way I talk about myself? I need a vacation from me. My changeup needs a changeup.
I want to hear from God. I want the voices in my head again. I can't take a vacation with my friends, and I can't go home this summer (believe me, two circumstances waaay beyond my control)so I guess I am alone.
Alone is a gift, regardless of how I see it. If alone is the gift that I've been given, then I'm going to unwrap it, and play with it for a little while. Maybe even be grateful.
I said maybe.
There's an island a few miles off the coast of South Korea. They call it 제주(Jeju). Women, rocks and horses. They claim to have a lot of those.
I was never much into horses.
Let's just say that I'm going for the rocks. I need something to sit on. I'm going to listen for the mighty wind, and the earth quaking, and the silence after. Especially the silence. I think the silence will take a little bit of time. I have 12 days. They say you can see the whole island in 2 days by car. I wonder how much I can see on foot.
I'm going to walk until I have no more feet. Until they belong to someone else.
I hope that you, oh loyal reader(s?), will stick around. I think that something qhuite interesting will happen this summer.
13.7.11
Little Boxes
No class today.
Today is the national test. Students will be ranked and filed, categorized, and put into seperate boxes called 중학교. This system of boxing will continue for quite some time. The "civilized" world is a collection of small boxes that we run back and forth between, collecting people to keep inside.
Sometimes we need a bigger box.
Sometimes we go outside just to remember.
The weather is not great right now. I guess sometimes it's good to have a box.
I've got 10 more minutes in this box. then I'm off to a box on wheels, a box underground, a box with a body of water, then backwards through all those boxes to the box I call home. Should I be so affectionate with something that closes over me so well?
I thought I wanted freedom?
Today is the national test. Students will be ranked and filed, categorized, and put into seperate boxes called 중학교. This system of boxing will continue for quite some time. The "civilized" world is a collection of small boxes that we run back and forth between, collecting people to keep inside.
Sometimes we need a bigger box.
Sometimes we go outside just to remember.
The weather is not great right now. I guess sometimes it's good to have a box.
I've got 10 more minutes in this box. then I'm off to a box on wheels, a box underground, a box with a body of water, then backwards through all those boxes to the box I call home. Should I be so affectionate with something that closes over me so well?
I thought I wanted freedom?
10.7.11
I Fail At Making Fists
It was early when I woke up this morning. Seems like a thousand mornings I have already experienced. Why this one again? I showered, cleaned off and read some scripture. I'm doing a dramatic interpretation of a scripture from Luke at church this Sunday. I hadn't read it until today, and it turns out it wasn't about what I thought. Oh well, hadn't thought much yet.
I wrestled with the idea of skipping swimming today. I had a colission with another swimmer in the pool last night (I've been drifting a bit to the left these days) and my finger is still sore. I can't make a fist. I think I like to imagine problems like this though... I'm going. If I fail at everything else in life (including making fists) I'll at least get some regular exercize.
The 4th graders were positively demon posessed today. Some days I think I am perfectly skilled to be a teacher. These days I wonder if that's true. I've given up on falling in love with my job. I'm waiting for love to find me. It's noon and I already have a headache. I hope against hope that lunch isn't something absolutely fucking weird. It's hardly a valid thing to expect. Some items on the menu at my school don't have an English translation because the western world doesn't consider them to be food. Today is another day, in my own little corner of the world where I don't belong, but I feel like I would run into a similar problem wherever else I could go.
The other three English teachers left on a trip to study other elementary schools' English rooms, in preparation for the new years' program. The office is now empty. I asked them if I should go with them, and they said that the Principal told them that only 3 people could go.
What?
On a diffferent, but related note, I think that the special ed students should not be allowed to wander. They're in my office right now, hitting each other with sticks and saying "Ow, it hurts," in Korean. I'm fighting every urge I have to use some of the Korean yelling techniques I've learned from my co-workers to expediate their exit. The secret of my language aquisition will remain for now, becouse one of my advanced English 6th graders came in and I got him to shoo them out. I've got an hour to kill now.
That's life these days. You kill time until the day that it finally comes back and kills you. It's supposed to pick up at some point. I hear some older people complain that they don't have the time to get done what they used to do in a day. I'm not like them. I have the time. What is it then, that I am missing?
Motivation?
Courage?
Discipline?
Integrity?
Freedom.
I wrestled with the idea of skipping swimming today. I had a colission with another swimmer in the pool last night (I've been drifting a bit to the left these days) and my finger is still sore. I can't make a fist. I think I like to imagine problems like this though... I'm going. If I fail at everything else in life (including making fists) I'll at least get some regular exercize.
The 4th graders were positively demon posessed today. Some days I think I am perfectly skilled to be a teacher. These days I wonder if that's true. I've given up on falling in love with my job. I'm waiting for love to find me. It's noon and I already have a headache. I hope against hope that lunch isn't something absolutely fucking weird. It's hardly a valid thing to expect. Some items on the menu at my school don't have an English translation because the western world doesn't consider them to be food. Today is another day, in my own little corner of the world where I don't belong, but I feel like I would run into a similar problem wherever else I could go.
The other three English teachers left on a trip to study other elementary schools' English rooms, in preparation for the new years' program. The office is now empty. I asked them if I should go with them, and they said that the Principal told them that only 3 people could go.
What?
On a diffferent, but related note, I think that the special ed students should not be allowed to wander. They're in my office right now, hitting each other with sticks and saying "Ow, it hurts," in Korean. I'm fighting every urge I have to use some of the Korean yelling techniques I've learned from my co-workers to expediate their exit. The secret of my language aquisition will remain for now, becouse one of my advanced English 6th graders came in and I got him to shoo them out. I've got an hour to kill now.
That's life these days. You kill time until the day that it finally comes back and kills you. It's supposed to pick up at some point. I hear some older people complain that they don't have the time to get done what they used to do in a day. I'm not like them. I have the time. What is it then, that I am missing?
Motivation?
Courage?
Discipline?
Integrity?
Freedom.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
