Songs About Lilies

I've been thinking about confidence a lot lately. Confidence and playlists. I believe that the two are invariably connected. I listened to some hip hop yesterday. I don't normally listen to hip hop. Hip hop is about confidence. To be a rapper, confidence is as essential as depression, self loathing, and not having a girlfriend is to being a rock star. I think you might see where I'm going with this one. I feel like I've become a lot of the things in the music that I listen to. I'm not completely sure why this is. I mean, do we become like the music we listen to, or do we choose the music we listen to because it reflects who we really are? I can't really answer that, even though I once argued the latter with a woman from my old church for like 2 hours. I guess I just can't tell anymore. One way or another, I do believe that the music you love says something important about who you are. So, I'd like to see if I can tell anything about myself on the basis of what I listen to most. So, here's what I came up with. The top ten most listened to songs in my library, complete with summaries of the lyrical content:

1. The Cure For Pain (Jon Foreman)
Summary: The world is full of pain, and no matter how hard I try, I'm a failure. Only God can help me try again.

2. Kite (Copeland)
Summary: Love is like a kite; a small toy, distant, floating, tied to a weak teather. It could be beautiful, but we don't know if it will last.

3. Plat It Again Sam! You Don't Have Any Feathers (Manchester Orchestra)
Summary: I'm angry, and my anger made me fail the people I love. God forgives my, but I don't even think I believe in God. Even still, I'm begging Him to protect me, if he's real.

4. Foundations (Kate Nash)
Summary: I used to love you, but now you just annoy me, and I'm trying really hard to save our relationship, but I don't know why, because I know we're going to break up eventually.

5. But She Beat My High Score (Say Hi To Your Mom)
Summary: I thought maybe I was in love with this girl, but she is better than me at video games, so I'm breaking up with her. Plus, we can't really go out because she lost her coat at the dry cleaners (why do I like this song?)

6. Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades (Brand New)
Summary: He wanted love, she wanted sex. They had sex, and now he's being destroyed from the inside out.

7. Keep Your Body Broken (Andy Zipf)
Summary: I'd rather have my heart broken and be unable to move, because that's when God moves me.

8: Middle Distance Runner (Sea Wolf)
Summary: I want to love you, but I know I'm incapable, so just meet me halfway, and we'll pretend that this is going to work out. Let's just fool ourselves.

9. Concerning The UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinoise (Sufjan Stevens)
Summary: Do we confuse visions of something holy and sacred with something silly, like a UFO sighting? Are we more likely to believe in aliens than God?

10. Friday I'm In Love (The Cure)
Summary: The work week isn't so difficult to get through if you have someone to love at the end.

Okay, so there it is. Not all of it applies, and of course these aren't the only songs I listen to, just the most I listen to. Although, I think this list says something about what I was saying before, about confidence, and me not having any. I think these songs tell me a lot about who I think I am, and what I think I'm capable of, how my relationship with God is, and what I think I deserve from life. I still love thiese songs, but I'm not sure I like what they say about me. Hmmm...

Having confidence and likeing yourself are really states of mind. Lesser men have tried to have both, and succeded. Why do I fail? I guess it's just easier to say you'll never amount to anything than to try as hard as you can, and have someone else tell you. I know I shouldn't care what other poeple say about me. The Bible says that God has already prepared for us every good thing we will do in advance, so that no one can brag about themselves. All that seems so far away though, when I'm trying to prove to people (not God) that I deserve to be where I am today, as I wonder myself if I do. I don't wonder, I know. I don't. I am insufficient and sloppy. I know that fully. But the one who restored me does not want me to think that way.

God, all I have is you.

But what else was it that I wanted?

I want to believe that the things He promised me were true, that I have a hope and a future, that He cares about me even more than the lilies of the field, whom he decorates in clothing finer than the wealthiest of kings.

Maybe I don't need to have confidence. Maybe I need to have faith.