January 15, 2008

I'm in Starbucks. I hate Starbucks. Why am I in Starbucks? I have an interview today in Sherman Oaks, which is somewhere near Hollywood. Do I really belong in Hollywood? I've never felt very Hollywood-ish, but at the same time, I think if I don't even try, I'll just sabotage myself and end up not belonging in Hollywood that way. Self fulfilling prophesy. The thing is, I really want that internship in Long Beach. I can just see myself there. In addition, I know that there is a little girl in an after school program in Long Beach who prayed last night that my interview would be a disaster, so that I could stay in Long Beach forever. She told me she would, and I believe her. I think, I probably hope on some level that it's a disaster too. Just thinking about that internship in Long Beach makes me soo happy. I want to do what God wants me to do, though, and according to a conversation I had with God and a woman named Jen Blue this summer, God wants me to make movies. I think. I also think God might want me to go to Long Beach. I know this sounds weird, but I believe God does weird things like this. I have this pen somewhere in my apartment, or car, I'm not quite sure where right now. The pen says "Fountain of Life Covenant Church Long Beach, CA" on the side. I've been to three services at Fountain of Life since this summer, but this pen had been in my life long before I ever set foot in the church. For weeks, every time I would reach out and grab for a pen, that would be the one that would end up in my hand. I asked my friend Eric (Who goes to FoL) if he left the pen at my apartment. He told me that he didn't even know they had pens. Once last semester, I had an in class essay for English, and realized that I hadn't put a pen in my pocket that morning. I was rifling like mad through my backpack, looking for a pen, or a pencil, or an ostrich quill, anything I could write with. I was about to give up, when I found something in a random pouch I don't normally put anything in. I pulled it out. It was a pen. It was that pen. I feel like I need to make movies and I need to be in Long Beach, but which is it? Maybe both, but which is first? Which step do I take first? I hope today is a disaster, then I won't have to decide. I think it's so strange that yesterday I was worried about having no options for my internship, and today I'm worried about having more than one. I have very specific fears. I am afraid of murky water. I am afraid of the phone. I am afraid of everyone I love secretly hating me. But I shouldn't be afraid of the future. I shouldn't be afraid of doing well, or impressing someone who might want to give me a job. I shouldn't be afraid when God offers me his hand to hold, and I shouldn't sabotage myself just so I'll have no place else to go. In about fifteen minutes, I'm going to walk into that building across the street, and introduce myself to Lisa Pollack, and I'm going to do whatever is reasonable to impress her, and I'm going to hope to God I know what I'm doing.