January 17, 2008

I've had three big dreams in my lifetime. Not that I never dream, or that these dreams are really that big, but, I've dreamed these things, and I've wanted them more than anything I've ever dreamed. They are as follows (in chronological order)
1. I want to live in the city of Salinas, CA for the rest of my life.
2. I want to live in the city of Fullerton, CA for the rest of my life.
3. I want to live in the city of Long Beach, CA for the rest of my life.

For those of you who haven't noticed, I like to end my big dreams with the phrase "for the rest of my life." I guess it's all just one dream, in the end. I want a place where I can stay. I want something for the rest of my life. I keep thinking I've found it when this voice in my head says "do you trust me?" Case in point. I'm 20 years old, and I live in Salinas, CA where I have lived since I was two. I'm about to graduate valedictorian from Hartnell Community College. My picture was in the newspaper. On of my best friends lives in Salinas with me, and I get to see him pretty much every day. My relationship with my Dad, after being shaky for my entire life, is finally starting to stabilize (at least he doesn't make me cry anymore). I have the world's greatest job, mentoring Jr. High students that I love for some not understandable reason. This is it. Can it get better than this? I start hearing that voice asking if I trust Him when I'm deciding on a college to transfer to. Fullerton, or someplace closer to the people I love. I'm convinced that I'll never be as happy as I am now, and that this is where I belong. "Do you trust me?" I don't know why, but I chose to give up dream #1. One year later. Fullerton is my home. I want to stay here for the rest of my life. I have three great roommates, I'm creating art, and having an effect on the surrounding community. I'm going to join the leadership team for Intervarsity. It's going to be amazing. I have so many friends, and we're all so close. I'm so glad I got out of my hometown. This is it. This is where I belong. "Do you trust me?" Of course I do. "Do you trust me enough to give up on your dreams?" Well, I... Fullerton is gone. I'm going to enrol in some program called the Los Angeles Urban Project, where we're going to be in Long Beach for six weeks. Long Beach? Long Beach isn't urban. It's the beach. Fast forward to this year. I keep finding this pen in my car that says Long Beach on it. I got an internship in Long Beach. I'm so glad I'm going somewhere besides Fullerton. I'm graduating soon. I'll be done with Intervarsity soon. Sad but true. I've got some place to go. I Belong in Long Beach. I've got this other interview in Sherman Oaks, but I don't think I'm even going to go. Actually, I think I'll go, but I'm not going to try very hard to get it. I'm not even going to dress up. I know what the future is. I've found it. It's Long Beach. "Do you trust me?" Not again.
I really want to belong somewhere. I want a house in a city that I can love. A big city with problems that I can try to fix. I want to come home from work with flowers and poetry for my disproportionately beautiful wife, and play in the park with my disproportionately athletic children. I've carried that dream with me all my life, and just when I think I have it, I get pushed forward. It reminds me of the last book in C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia. It's called The Last Battle. Basically, it's the end of the world, and everyone on the side of good is safe in this paradise created by Aslan the great Lion. Everything is beautiful, and everyone is happy. Every time they stop, however, Aslan commands them with a single phrase: "Further up and further in." At this command, everyone stops what they are doing and runs. Each place is more beautiful than the last, and everyone is happy, and could be satisfied with what they have, but the command keeps coming. "Further up and further in." And they run. They give up everything for what's next, because they know that the Lion is going to show them something incredible. They trust him. The thing is, they have to give it up. Everything they had for what's next. Worth it, yes, but isn't it such a terrible risk to give up everything when what you want is right in front of you? What right do we have to want more, even when that is what's offered? It really is a question of trust. So here's the plan. God, I love you, and I trust you. After all these years, my answer is yes. So every time you say "Further up and further in," I will give up all my dreams and run after you. I will belong at your side, if no other place is given to me. And if for the rest of my life, I never belong anywhere in the way that I want, I know you will one day take me to where you are, and I will live there for the rest of eternity. I love you and I trust you. Salinas is yours. Fullerton is yours. Long Beach is yours. The Earth is yours and everything in it. So, let's go. Further up and further in.