January 3, 2008

I'm making a list of all the stupid things I believe. I know that they're stupid, I just believe them anyway. The list is as follows:
1. ***** is mad at me (not a stupid belief by itself). Because of this, ***** does not want to talk to me, so I'm not going to call her. Really, this is her fault.
2. Small animals want to pee in my lap. If I hold one, it will pee in my lap.
3. There are sharks in the Hartnell Community College swimming pool. They're invisible, and they attack when you close your eyes underwater.
4. My friends don't want to talk to me. If I call them in the middle of the day, they will be annoyed with me, and conspire together to ignore me.
5. My boss hates me. He keeps writing me positive reviews, but he hates me. He's just setting me up.
6. The only people who like me are the people who like everyone.
7. Snakes are everywhere. They could be hiding in the toilet, or under the couch cushions at my apartment.
8. Everything that hes ever gone wrong in the world is somehow connected to me. There's something that I'm doing (or not doing) that is causing everyone's pain. (I'm sorry about the Holocaust. I wish I wasn't German, but I am. At least I think I am.)

Based on these most closely held beliefs of mine, I've decided that my new to do list will be as follows:
1. Call *****. Smile. She's my friend. She likes me. She said so herself.
2. Hold a small animal in my lap.
3. Call my friends. They like me too.
4. Tell my boss a joke. Make it funny too, so that he'll laugh. Enemies don't laugh at each other's jokes.
5. Lift and look under every cushion in the couch, but only once.
6. Learn John 3:16 in German.

Joanna once told me that the biggest thing keeping me from doing what I want with my life is myself. It's true, I am pretty big. She's probably right. Every stupid thing that I believe must be exposed and scrutinized and picked to death until almost nothing remains. On those that remain, I will base the rest of my life. By this time tomorrow, I plan to believe the following:

1. My friends love me.
2. God loved the entire world (including the Germans) enough to send his only son as a sacrifice so that everyone who believes in him will live forever. He has a plan, even for the major screw ups. Actually, those plans are usually the coolest ones (e.g. Paul, Moses, David, Peter, etc.)
3. There are invisible sharks with laser beams in the Hartnell swimming pool.

One day at a time, friends. One day at a time.